Illuminate
by HookedOnPhonics
Summary: It was so Edward to leave me for the better of myself, even if I couldn't understand it at the time. After Edward leaves Bella she decides to restart living her life for herself. Chapter eight is now up
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight, the characters or the storyline; I am merely someone that wishes I had thought of the concept myself.

Authors note: I have currently posted this story under trial circumstances to see what people think of it so if you are at all interested in seeing how this turns out review or message me and let me know. Criticism is always welcome but there's no need to be a wank about it. With that said I have almost finished writing the second chapter (A retrospective in Jasper's point of view) and I will post if so desired.

Chapter One

I hated birthdays, and after this one it was no surprise. Not only was I getting older as each second passed, as each hour ticked by too fast for my liking and the days progressed into months and years. No, not only that, but I'd managed to pay little to no caution to the fact that I had been in a house of vampires and allowed my clumsiness to get the better of me and turn the not quite wanted situation into a worst case scenario.

Edward had just dropped me off home after we'd argued in the truck the whole way. In my opinion he was being completely unreasonable even if some of the points he had were valid. I was furious he would even dare to suggest that this was his entire fault but I couldn't say I was surprised. He took the blame for everything; he always found a way to explain it to me as if it were really his fault. He didn't appreciate me disagreeing even though I was certain the points I had were equally as justified and correct as his. I should have been more careful and more sensitive towards the situation I was in. It wasn't his fault, or Jasper's fault, or Alice, Emmett's, Rosalie's, Carlisle's or Esme's fault that they were vampires but did Edward see the sense in that? Well if he did he had a funny way of showing it.

In the end I'd told him I didn't want him to stay. I was angry and Edward disagreeing with me only really put the icing on top of the cake that had been this day.

I maneuvered my way into my pajamas, trying not to cause myself any unnecessary pain and managed to do so mostly. I was sitting in the centre of my bed feeling horrible when I felt a wave of calm almost knock me right over.

I searched for the source instantly, knowing there was no way that the painkillers were having a backlash effect like that and sought out Jasper's presence in my room.

I wasn't angry or anything, I had wanted to speak to him and make sure he was okay, but Edward had insisted that he didn't think it was a good idea at all and I didn't want to fight with him so I didn't push it. He had been stressed enough as it was. Although now, pushing it might have been alright in retrospective.

"Sorry, that was a bit heavy, I didn't want you to freak out" Jasper explained evenly.

His eyes weren't black anymore, back to a gold shade, though still remarkably dark. I could at least tell he had hunted and was well in control of himself. He had to be if he still had the power to send a massive wave of calm at me.

"Are you okay? I'm really sorry about that, I should have been more careful. I mean what sort of idiot cuts themselves while they're opening a present?" I began; basically emitting the idea I had a speaking problem. I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but I couldn't decide which were the most important ones to say, nor gauge how Jasper would react to any of them.

Jasper shook his head at me and sighed out my name, "Bella, Bella, Bella," effectively shutting me up. "I almost kill you and you're the one apologizing, I can see what Edward meant when he said you had an interesting mind set."

Just the mention of Edward and what he thought of my mind set was enough to upset the calm Jasper had layered over me thickly. I unwontedly but quickly replaced it with anger, my cheeks turning red with the onslaught of frustration that rose in me.

Jasper was quick to apologize, misinterpreting my mood swing. "I'm sorry Bella; I didn't mean to upset you. I came here to apologize and make sure you were alright."

"Edward's just being ridiculous as per usual" I muttered, my eyebrows knitting together as I told him so. "He tried to tell me this was his fault, yeah, sure, sure."

I rolled my eyes just to add to the sarcasm that was dripping from my voice with plain recognition that I doubted Jasper could miss.

He chuckled softly and brushed his hair back from his eyes, resting them on me thoughtfully.

It was quiet for a moment. Sitting there with Jasper looking at me like that didn't make me as uncomfortable as I normally would have expected it to. If it had been Edward my emotions and thoughts would be running ragged trying to figure it out but being around Jasper was always relaxing (whether that was because of his ability or not I didn't care, I was very much open to being relaxed after today).

It was almost like he was looking straight at me, but he wasn't really focused on a particular point. He wasn't trying to figure me out or anything, he was just letting the atmosphere settle, letting me get used to his company. We had never been alone together really, the one time we had I had made a run for it to face James by myself. I'm sure Jasper was probably thinking about that now, he had a look of knowing in his eyes and a small smile flitted its way briefly across his face.

It weren't as if the whole James scenario was something we looked back on fondly, but there were definitely certain aspects of that scenario that proved to be fond to think about every once and a while.

"Bella, firstly I want to apologize for endangering you like that. I did my best to keep myself under control but you need to understand it's a lot harder for me then it is for the others. No one seems to take this into account but my lack of self control isn't because my diet used to be different, clearly, I am here now, alone with you and I could have my way with you if I wanted before any of them had a chance to stop me. The point is I can be around you, and of course your blood smells delicious, but I don't want to hurt you" Jasper began explaining, focusing now on my hands. "No one seems to realize that I don't just feel their emotions, I feel their thirst as well. Imagine no one having any confidence in you being able to change your ways and on top of that having to feel six other people's thirst as well as your own? I mean it's no surprise they think the worst will happen, I have a lot to contend with and I do fucking good considering.

"Emmett's slipped before and he only has to deal with his own, so any of them should be able to see that of course it's going to be harder for me. I don't blame them or anything, but it wouldn't kill them to be a little more understanding. Here you are the victim of what I have to deal with and you have shown more compassion for me than even my own wife."

I had never thought of Jasper's ability in its entire complex but as he laid the cards on table it was plain to see he was bound to have control issues. Seven times the normal amount of thirst, seven times more of his mind arguing against his better reason, seven times more bloodlust, a lot more things to outweigh the seven amounts of disappointment he undoubtedly would feel if he slipped up.

"Jasper, I never blamed you" I told him honestly. "Like I said I should have been more careful, I already felt bad because I knew you could feel my distress about the whole birthday situation, the very last thing I wanted to do was cause that to happen. Now everyone's all… fucked" I replied bluntly, not knowing what made me use the bold choice of words, though it seemed to amuse Jasper.

"Bold choice of words there Bella, but nonetheless true" he smirked, as if he had Edward's ability, and it actually worked on me.

I was slightly surprised, but not at all displeased when Jasper reached out and rested his hand on the gauze covering the stitches running the length of my wrist to my elbow.

"Don't try and tell me that it wasn't hurting, I can feel it" He stressed, rubbing the area soothingly, his cool touch relaxing the inflammation the injury had instantly. I shivered slightly as the coolness of his touch registered with the rest of me, but I didn't want him to stop, because I knew my cut would burn in fury if he took his hand away.

"Thank you" I told him quietly.

He dismissed the gesture with a wave of his hand.

"How is everyone?" I asked him, my eyes settling on his soft wispy curls as I did this.

He shrugged off handedly, "Disappointed. Alice the most, she felt guilty as well, I can't imagine why, it doesn't matter. Edward was of course furious, I'm not sure if that emotion was directed to myself or him, but again, it doesn't matter, I'll feel it regardless. He obviously feels terrible as well. Emmett and Rosalie were the nicest about it, they felt sorry for me, though I'm not sure that's any better really. Esme and Carlisle are understanding, but they can't hide their disappointment either. Speaking of which,

Why isn't Edward here?" Jasper questioned, looking around the room as if he expected Edward to just pop out.

I grimaced, "I sent him home."

Jasper didn't press the subject but I felt compelled to elaborate regardless. "He kept blaming himself and working at my nerves. I couldn't take it so I told him if he was going to spend the night feeling sorry for himself he might as well just go home instead of apologizing and trying to tell me I'd be better off with Mike Newton, and then I'd be able to lead a normal, human life."

Jasper nodded his head perceptively. "Edward is like some fucked up version of a Martyr sometimes. It's as if he believes that everything that happens anywhere whether it has anything to do with him or not is entirely his fault, like he actually honestly believes it. It's not an easy thing to put up with."

I shook my head in agreement easily. There were few faults in Edward that I could pick up on, but that was definitely on the list. I knew I loved him, but when he was acting like this it made it hard for me to begin to perceive how I could put up with him at all. Sometimes he was too selfless to a point that it was almost selfish that he wouldn't let me suffer the consequences of my own mistakes. But when he wasn't acting like this he was generally wonderful; there were very few things I'd change, and the only things I would change would be things that only really changed me.

Nobody was perfect, and although Edward excelled at almost everything he ever did I knew he was at a disadvantage with me. Him not being able to read my mind obviously affected the way he regarded me. I couldn't blame him for depending on an ability he'd had to deal with for so long, it was like asking him to walk on one leg, he could do it, but that wouldn't mean it was anymore comfortable to.

That was the main problem with Edward, his comfort levels. He didn't feel comfortable letting anyone take the blame when he could find a way to place it on himself, he wasn't comfortable kissing me much, and he wasn't comfortable even considering changing me so that our physical relationship wasn't a problem.

I didn't want to get changed just so we could have sex, that part of the transformations presentation of possibilities never really occurred to me much. I wanted to become a vampire so we could be one in the same, no limits to hold us back. I wanted to be able to kiss him and not worry about it, and I wanted him to be around me without having to keep himself in check. Mostly though, I just wanted to be with him as long as were possible, and eternity was possible if he'd only give in to the one want I had from him.

He wouldn't though. Just the subject made him angry, and although Alice was sure it was going to happen, Edward's continual rejection of the idea left me less than hopeful.

"Jasper" I spoke, to gain his attention, second guessing myself and what I was about to ask him. "If Alice was human and she wanted to spend eternity with you, would you change her? Or have her changed?"

Jasper smiled at me and waved his finger at me mockingly, "Edward and I are very different Bella. You can't ask me this question if you are only going to use the answer as an offence to Edward's decisions."

I shook my head rapidly, "No that's not it, I was just wondering if it was just Edward's way or if you would all want your mate to live a normal life and 'not be damned to this lifeless existence'" I answered him, using air quotes when appropriate.

He looked solicitous for a moment as he pieced his answer together carefully.

"If the woman I loved held the desire of being changed to spend the rest of eternity with me how could I turn that idea away? Ideally I am a selfish creature and I could agree without a second of consideration. Once I finally took the time to think about it I would realize that I needed to make sure she knew exactly what she was getting into, what she would be risking, what she would have to leave behind, and the compromises she would need to make. This life is not for everyone, and there are a lot of human things you will miss when they are no longer available to you" Jasper all but whispered to me, his touch getting lighter, warning me that he was weaning me off from his anesthetic slowly.

"I would like to think that the woman I loved was my equal and did not need my approval so much as she just needed my awareness. I wouldn't consider it the kind of thing you would spring on someone you cared about with 'Surprise!' without discussing it first. There would be a few conditions, but very reasonable ones" Jasper ended softly. "You're tired Bella."

I knew he was right, but I didn't want him to leave, not while we were on this topic, not while I felt so comfortable and at ease.

"I know, but please don't leave yet" I pleaded with him, "This is the one part of today that hasn't been filled with a sense of dread. What would the conditions be?"

Jasper gave me a smile that let me know he knew I was trying to distract him but continued anyway.

"She would have to want to get turned for the right reasons and she would have to be completely certain that it was what she wanted, it is, after all, irreversible. Also I'd want her to know that I'd love her either way, whatever choice she made. I wouldn't want her to feel pressured into changing to please me."

I nodded my head, unsure of whether or not I could find words sufficient to describe the way his answer pleased me. He was very reasonable about the idea, though I hadn't failed to notice that while I had questioned him with the prospect of Alice being human, he had never once mentioned her in his answer.

"Do you think Edward will ever change his mind?" I took a deep breath, "You know, about changing me?"

Jasper frowned visibly, clearly he felt that the question held unnecessary pressure to it and he wished I hadn't asked, but I'd thrown it out there, and even if I did take it back, it wouldn't relieve him or me of the feelings the question bought up.

I waited with baited breath for Jasper's response and was mildly surprised when he returned the previous pressure he was applying to his strokes on my arm, comforting me. He grabbed my hand with his free one and gently rubbed the top of my hand with his thumb.

"Understand Bella that Edward loves you, don't doubt that. It isn't that he doesn't want to spend the rest of eternity with you; he just considers eternity more of a curse then a blessing. For him, the transition to this life from human life was one that left him empty as a person. His emotions were very dormant until he met you. He's a very reserved character; he doesn't feel anything that a situation doesn't call for. Not every vampire is like this of course, but Edward doesn't really know how to comprehend this idea, to understand that he really is the only one of us who is rather… void?"

Jasper unnecessarily cleared his throat. "I'm not trying to insult him; so much as I'm finding it difficult to explain correctly. Edward thinks that we, as vampires, have no soul, which is why it is much harder to bring emotions out in us, why we have no particular reason to live but the fact that we can't die. He would prefer that you never had to feel this way about your own life, and that you could just spend a normal lifetime together, regardless of the inevitable ending that would occur. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind because I can barely understand why he is so opposed, maybe because he is not as selfish as I am, or maybe he is more so, I'm not sure. I think the point is, is that one day or another Edward will realize that he has found reason for his existence and he won't want to lose that. I believe there is hope, but I cannot bring myself to make promises to you that I cannot assure will fall through."

I nodded my head morosely unsure of how this answer was supposed to make my feel. Though Jasper told me not to give up hope the way he explained it made it a much clearer picture then I'd ever been able to comprehend and this new light of understanding provided me with a heavy dose of disheartening. I only had myself to blame for asking for the truth in the first place but that didn't make my resolve any easier.

I would not give up hope, but after tonight especially, I saw no point in pushing it. Edward was undoubtedly strongly opposed to the idea and it upset me too much to be continuously rejected.

"I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up about it Bella" Jasper chided me lightly. "Your feelings are very heart breaking to deal with at times. I wish he wouldn't refuse you something you want so much."

I smiled at him, finding it not to be too hard. Even if the subject wasn't exactly brightening my mood I felt nothing but a peaceful calm and a little fatigue. I was more emotionally exhausted because of the day's events and a few of my muscles were fatigued but I didn't feel greatly in need of sleep.

I guess I felt slightly enlightened to be able to see Edward's perspective in this way. To have it explained to me by someone that must know him better than I do. Jasper had lived with Edward for a long, long time. Longer than my existence, and certainly knew more details about the way Edward felt about things then I did. I fully trusted Jasper's judgment.

"Do you think Edward will be very mad that were having this conversation?"

Jasper grinned magnificently, "Furious," he told me honestly. "Not with you" he was quick to assure me once he began to feel my panic rise. "He'll be angry with me, one for even daring to come anywhere near you after tonight, and two, for even talking about this, no matter what I'm saying, whether I am defending his choice or attacking it."

The truth of his answer sparked about more of the anger I had directed at Edward from an hour or so ago. He would be angry with Jasper and the longer I made him stay, the angrier Edward would become, though he wouldn't be mad with me, and if he were he'd never voice it.

"You can leave if you'd like. I didn't bother taking into account the trouble you'd get into for being here. I don't want anyone to be mad with you at my expense anymore so then they are already" I expressed, "Though no one has any right to be mad at you, it's not your fault I cut my finger, and I was certain you were fine. I wasn't worried you were going to hurt me. I was worried that you were going to feel bad afterwards though. Edward certainly has no right to get so mad with you, you have done nothing but help end this horrible day on a more positive note," I exclaimed, ordinance ringing out in my voice as my anger got a hold on me.

Jasper's smile grew as I went on, his eyes twinkling with delight. "I never realized you were such a firecracker Bella, it's certainly a surprise."

I felt myself course with embarrassment as I came to the realization that I was indeed making quite the scene. My cheeks flooded with heat and I quickly looked down, wondering what Jasper was thinking of me at this moment.

"There's no need to be embarrassed" he assured me, reapplying his thumb rubbing technique on my hand. "It is very satisfying to see this side of you, especially to know that you feel you can act like this around me. We haven't exactly had the most stable relationship and I am sorry about that, I've always thought it was in your best interests for me to stay at a distance, I'm not the easiest person to get along with at any means."

It was interesting to find out the reasoning behind Jasper's distance. While I had always taken it as a sign that he was not appreciative of my presence it was more that he was not sure I'd be appreciative of his. His revelation humbled me, granting me an amount of inner joy that sat well with the feelings that were consuming me.

"I suppose Edward probably isn't too thrilled about you coming anywhere near me either" I supplied, saying Edward's name with obvious disdain, a bitter feeling running the length of my body head to toe before evaporating just as quickly as it had appeared.

"Edward may or may not have mentioned that he preferred me not to test my self control with you as the bait; this has really upset you, hasn't it? Your emotions are changing so rapidly, I almost feel tired," he laughed, a deep warming sound that made me smile.

I nodded my head, trying to think of a reasonable response. I felt no qualms when it came to being honest with Jasper, but I didn't want him to think that I didn't care about Edward, because I did, I was just angry; I'd be over it by tomorrow morning if he was on his best behavior and he probably knew that.

"I don't like knowing that he is angry with you, or anyone else for something that was just as much my fault if not more so than anyone else's. None of this would have happened if I hadn't come along. It especially bothers me that he can act as if it's not my fault, and it also bothers me that he even has the nerve to suggest something as absurd as me and Mike" I shivered at the thought, this gesture making Jasper laugh again.

"As much as I would rather stay in this emotional climate you really should get to sleep Bella. It's getting late and one of us had school in the morning" Jasper reminded me, stopping his ministrations on my arm, which was now pleasantly numb and would hopefully be alright through the night.

I felt slightly disappointed, but I knew he was right.

"Tell Edward that I said he's not allowed to tell you off, and that he will be in a lot of trouble if he does."

Jasper nodded his head in response and got up off my bed, making his way to the window I figured he'd used to make his entrance.

"Oh and Jasper," I called after him as he opened the window.

He turned to face me, waiting patiently for me to continue.

"Thank you. For coming to visit and all you know? I wanted to see you myself before I left, but well… Edward was being difficult. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all that stuff."

"It was no problem at all. I was concerned that I had scared you half to death and felt the need to apologize for my appalling display earlier, but please Bella, get some sleep, neither of us need anymore of a reason to anger Edward."

I smiled brightly and waved as he descended out into the night.

let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter One retrospective

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight, but wow, wouldn't it be marvelous?

Authors note: Man, writing retrospective chapters is boring sometimes. I really wanted Jasper's side of his and Bella's proper first encounter though, so for the sake of that I prevailed. Thank you to everyone that reviewed, favorited and added this story to their alerts. I will try to have the next chapter up soon.

Chapter Two

It must have been an hour by now. From the time I'd reached the clearing to now I hadn't moved so much as a muscle unless it was required for speech. Emmett had found me, and so had his sympathy.

It wasn't that I didn't appreciate that he was perhaps the only one in the family that bothered to consider the reason why I had it so much harder than the rest of them to keep myself at bay and I wasn't trying to make excuses for myself, but it never made having to feel the projection of someone's sympathy in my direction any more pleasant.

I was angry, and not just because everyone else was, so it was bound to bounce right back onto me, but genuinely angry for my own reasoning. I couldn't believe what had transpired, couldn't begin to comprehend that I had almost done something so terrible to Bella on her birthday, at her birthday party that she didn't want. I knew that at any other time wouldn't have made it any better, but the situation at hand certainly made it much worse.

Especially considering Bella had been shooting me compassionate glances all night. Her own way of saying sorry that I had to put up with her feelings of anguish and despair at the way things had turned out. How did I repay her? By almost tearing her jugular right from its place in her throat. I was in such a frenzy I probably would have foregone any tact I had and made a terrible mess, not even actually swallowed a bit of her blood in my haste to do just that. I'd become a monster because of a tiny paper cut.

But I knew and Emmett knew that that wasn't the reason. I had been fine. One drop of blood and of course the venom started flowing into my mouth with longing, but I wasn't about to act on it. No I had been fine until Edward had flung her into the table and indirectly and unintentionally caused her to cut her arm. That right there was my undoing.

Her blood had permeated the air faster than I could even begin to understand, the monster in me taking over before I even had a chance.

Emmett was on my side, he held me back as I struggled to gain control of myself. Deep down I managed to gain control of a small coherent part of me that understood my agony and I willed that part of me to give into Emmett's restraint and the strength with which I fought against him was limited, but not enough to assure Edward's panic.

The most important part of it all was that it hadn't happened; though it had been close it never came to action. For that I was eternally grateful.

"Tough break" Emmett ventured, resting next to me on his ankles.

I barely gave him a glance of acknowledgement, instead heaving out an unnecessary exasperated gust of air that sounded like something in between a groan and a sigh.

"It's not your fault, you know. I saw what you did. You were in control, until Edward threw her at the bloody table" Emmett sounded frustrated, trailing into a bunch of cuss words. "It was just a drop of blood; you weren't going to do anything, but Edward, being the complete idiot he is, completely overreacted. I mean what the fuck was he thinking? 'Hey, Bella hasn't already got all of us holding our breath why don't I throw her into some glass, really stir things up!' Idiot."

"You know he was just trying to protect her" I replied, half heartedly, wondering why I was defending Edward when he so clearly had no trust in me.

Did I blame him for his lack of trust? I had almost slipped up a few times, preventable times. I had to deal with his thirst, and everyone else's; Edward didn't understand. But did I blame him for his lack of trust? When it came to Bella, no. I could completely understand why he had reacted like he had. If I were in his shoes (however unlikely it was, it was hard enough to co exist with Humans in harmony, let alone live and breathe one in the proximity Edward did with Bella) I would have reacted exactly the same. As soon as I'd felt the slightest indication of thirst in her presence I would have been ready to rip someone's head off, tear them limb from limb and scatter the pieces so they suffered rather than given them the satisfaction of dying.

"Protect her? What part of throwing her into a glass table was protecting her? I'm sorry if you don't understand the concept of protection Jasper, but I wouldn't consider throwing a human into a glass table fitting of it" Emmett fumed.

His anger was, for the most part, directed at Edward, but my comment had earned me a little and I couldn't say I was upset, it was better then the sympathy.

"You should go see her. I know you want to Jasper and I think you should" he told me once he'd gotten more of a hold on himself.

"It's not a good idea; Edward's probably planning something to keep me away from her as we speak."

I wanted to see Bella to make sure she was alright, to apologize, to survey the damage I had inflicted and see what I could do to make it better. First things first though I needed to get my head on straight.

Emmett shoved my shoulder, "Dude, since when were you under Edward's orders? Go see Bella, make sure she's alright, Edward would have been too busy bitching about how it was all his fault, which it was, to have even bothered asking her if she was okay."

Emmett was right, I knew. Edward was that type of person; he would have spent the whole time apologizing for the incident that wasn't entirely his fault and if I knew anything about Bella she'd be pretty pissed off about it.

"Jasper, I'm going to thump you if you don't agree to go see her" Emmett threatened me, though his voice sounded ridiculously calm the threat was nowhere near hollow.

My own anger, having begun to subside, immediately began to bubble to the surface upon being threatened. It was instinctual for me to feel angry if I was being threatened regardless of if it was from Emmett or otherwise.

"I was always planning on going to see her Emmett, but either way one of you's is going to thump me" I explained, unable to keep the vicious edge off my voice that had managed to creep in. "What do you think Edward is going to do if I even dare going anywhere near Bella after that wee episode! I'll be surprised if I make it out with any part of my body intact."

Emmett chuckled, "Okay, I see your reasoning, but still, do you think I'll let him, you know I'm stronger, he can't beat both of us. Now get off your sad excuse of an ass and go hunt and then I will drag you to Bella's house personally, just to make sure you actually go."

I stood slowly, raising an eyebrow at him, it was rare that Emmett was ever so involved in something that caused stress between Edward and I. Emmett was like the less bouncing off the walls but still unbelievably hard to get down male version of Alice in our family, only his efforts went towards breaking things, watching sports, and trying to start fights with someone in the family for a bit of fun. In saying that Emmett had a sworn rule that he would never hit Esme, and if anyone else did he'd hide their fingers in Africa.

"Dude hurry up, Bella has to sleep you know!" Emmett reminded me, pushing me roughly in the direction of the forest, "And the last thing she needs to see is your red eyes before she closes her own, I'd have nightmares about that if I could" Emmett smirked, easily going back to making jokes.

So I gave up and did as he said, and true to his word he carried 'my sad excuse of an ass' all the way to Bella's house and dropped me at the edge of the forest lining her backyard.

"I can see you Jasper, and I know which room is hers, so don't you think you can outsmart me by climbing through the bathroom window and just hanging out" Emmett warned me, giving me another shove in the right direction.

"Edward is going to kill me when he finds out I'm here" I spoke up, mainly for my own benefit, to make sure I could talk. I had never been a man of many words around Bella, nor full stop really. I could hold a conversation with ease at most times, I had years of practice after all, but there were situations that left me with little to say, or too much.

I could feel Emmett's impatience creeping up on me so I took a deep breath, mumbled a 'fine, I'm going' and made my across Bella's backyard.

I found Bella sitting on her bed staring blankly at the gauze on her arm, elbow to wrist, so absorbed in her staring that she didn't even sense my presence.

As much as I knew she wouldn't appreciate it I wasn't risking her having a panic attack so I covered her thickly with calm before I maneuvered my way through her window. Her latch already left undone like it always was so Edward could sneak in.

I was inside silently before she bothered registering the manufactured emotions and looked for me. When her eyes rested on me I waited for some sort of reaction, a change in her emotions to indicate how she felt to see me, anything, but Bella was generally reserved, the only tip off I had was the small amount of relief that leaked through her forced calm.

Relief. Not the most telltale feeling. Bella could be relieved because I wasn't a rapist or murderer (at least, not exactly), or even because I hadn't jumped straight to her throat and finished what I started. At any rate, I decided to take relief as a positive.

"Sorry," I started, "That was a bit heavy, I didn't want you to freak out."

Bella shook her head earnestly, "Are you okay? I'm really sorry about that, I should have been more careful. I mean what sort of idiot cuts themselves while they're opening a present?" she rambled, emitting feelings of small doses of remorse and frustration; feelings I knew were directed whole heartedly at herself.

I shook my head at her slowly, relaxing my position against her wall, "Bella, Bella, Bella."

She closed her mouth, pursing her lips together to stop herself from saying anything else.

"I almost kill you, and you're the one apologizing, I can see what Edward meant when he said you had an interesting mind set."

I waited for some sort of response from her, carefully weighing my words throughout this situation so I wouldn't say something ridiculous or upset her. It took half a second before her whole being flared with anger.

Slightly taken aback and wondering what I had said that had pissed her off so much I began apologizing instantly, "I'm sorry Bella; I didn't mean to upset you. I came here to apologize and make sure you were alright."

Bella relaxed, mumbling, though I easily heard her, "Edward's just being ridiculous as per usual." Her eyebrows knitted together as she spoke and my amusement picked up just a little to hear that Bella wasn't happy with Edward. I didn't exactly wish her to be angry with him, but the fact that she was did nothing to deter me.

"He tried to tell me this was his fault, yeah, sure, sure," she rolled her eyes to add to the sarcasm that was dripping from her words and I couldn't help but let out a chuckle.

I pushed my hair back and looked at Bella in consideration. She had always been beautiful, but it was never my place to admire that, if Edward so much as caught me looking at her he got his defense on. Though now, without him around I let myself really appreciate her quaint beauty.

She wasn't striking like Rose, nor was she elegant like Alice in that quirky way of hers. Bella's beauty was simple, it was natural, it was human. Bella's looks could change, had changed, and would continue to.

I remember the first time I ever saw her, when Edward bought her home. Her face was rounder, her hair was shorter and her body hadn't adjusted to the temperature yet so her cheeks and nose were almost always tinged red.

It hadn't been a long time since, but she had definitely changed. Her auburn hair was longer, her curls loosening into natural waves as it grew, framing her hair in a wind tossed amount of tresses that seemed to suit her whether it was like that intentionally or not. Her face had thinned out, her cheek bones pronouncing themselves proudly under her pale cream complexion and her lips were fuller. Her body had softened out, her curves becoming more defined, her stomach was flatter, and if I wasn't a pervert for noticing her breasts had gotten larger; a detail Edward wouldn't have noticed I would bet.

The best part to me was how soft her skin looked, despite the fading lacerations she had from previous injuries her skin still looked unbelievably soft, not hard and smooth like Alice's or Rosalie's and definitely not covered in scars to the extent mine was.

During my survey a pleased little smile found its way onto my face and I pulled myself out of my thoughts to realize that Bella was looking at me expectantly. I willed my face to straighten out and took this opportunity of open silence to say what I had come to say.

"Bella, firstly I want to apologize for endangering you like that. I did my best to keep myself under control but you need to understand it's a lot harder for me then it is for the others. No one seems to take this into account but my lack of self control isn't because my diet used to be different, clearly, I am here now, alone with you and I could have my way with you if I wanted before any of them had a chance to stop me," at this point I mindlessly smirked, not really thinking about how potentially sick the gesture was in combination with the subject. "The point is I can be around you, and of course your blood smells delicious, but I don't want to hurt you" I began explaining, focusing now on her hands. "No one seems to realize that I don't just feel their emotions, I feel their thirst as well. Imagine no one having any confidence in you being able to change your ways and on top of that having to feel six other people's thirst as well as your own? I mean it's no surprise they think the worst will happen, I have a lot to contend with and I do fucking good considering."

I paused for a moment to catch the breath I would need for speech and assess Bella's feelings to make sure I wasn't overwhelming her with the amount of information I was throwing at her.

"Emmett's slipped before and he only has to deal with his own, so any of them should be able to see that of course it's going to be harder for me. I don't blame them or anything, but it wouldn't kill them to be a little more understanding. Here you are the victim of what I have to deal with and you have shown more compassion for me than even my own wife."

Oh, Alice. She wasn't happy with me. We hadn't spoken since the incident, but I knew there was nothing she was going to say that would surprise me. She had warned me of the consequences if my self control slipped again, and even as aware of it as I was I couldn't find it within me to be upset about it.

"Jasper, I never blamed you. Like I said I should have been more careful, I already felt bad because I knew you could feel my distress about the whole birthday situation, the very last thing I wanted to do was cause that to happen. Now everyone's all… fucked" Bella replied bluntly, her bold word choice surprising me. There was no doubt in my mind she would never speak like that freely in front of Edward, and definitely vice versa.

"Bold choice of words there Bella, but nonetheless true" I smirked at her, slowly making my way over to her bed and sitting down a small distance from her, the bed sinking slightly under my weight.

I could sense Bella's irritation and pain and had managed to gather that whatever painkillers Carlisle had given her had worn off by now. Tentatively I reached out and rested my hand on her injured arm, knowing the coolness of my touch would calm the burning she was feeling.

"Don't try and tell me it wasn't hurting, I can feel it" I stressed, rubbing the area softly to spread the numbing evenly. Bella shivered slightly, giving off more waves of relief.

"Thank you" she offered, closing her eyes for a moment, relishing the liberation my vampire skin offered her.

I was happy to be able to ease her pain without having to manipulate her emotions and dismissed her thanks with a wave of my hand to communicate that it was no trouble at all. If anything I wanted her to know that this was the very least I could do for her.

"How is everyone?" she asked after a moment, tracing her eyes over the top of my head, gazing at my hair.

I shrugged, not liking the subject choice, but understanding Bella's want to know; "Disappointed. Alice the most, she felt guilty as well, I can't imagine why, it doesn't matter. Edward was of course furious, I'm not sure if that emotion was directed to myself or him, but again, it doesn't matter, I'll feel it regardless. He obviously feels terrible as well. Emmett and Rosalie were the nicest about it, they felt sorry for me, though I'm not sure that's any better really. Esme and Carlisle are understanding, but they can't hide their disappointment either. Speaking of which, why isn't Edward here?" I questioned her, keeping up human appearances to help keep her relaxed. Humans always took comfort in constants and were wary when something changed and no one noticed.

Bella grimaced, feeling a little proud of herself which gave me the feeling she was fighting off a smile, "I sent him home," she answered.

I didn't question her admission; I was barely surprised that she had. Emmett and I knew what Edward's reaction was going to be like and the fact that Bella couldn't be bothered dealing with it was completely understandable.

Bella elaborated regardless, probably more for herself than for me; reminding herself why she had in the first place; "He kept blaming himself and working at my nerves. I couldn't take it so I told him if he was going to spend the night feeling sorry for himself he might as well just go home instead of apologizing and trying to tell me I'd be better off with Mike Newton, and then I'd be able to lead a normal, human life."

By the time she was finished voicing her explanation a fresh dose of anger coursed through her, not as violent as the first, but not as fleeting.

I nodded my head agreeably, "Edward is like some fucked up version of a Martyr sometimes. It's as if he believes that everything that happens anywhere whether it has anything to do with him or not is entirely his fault, like he actually honestly believes it. It's not an easy thing to put up with."

My honesty about my opinion of Edward was not something I was sure Bella would appreciate or not though when her emotions didn't lash out I assumed she didn't mind.

She shook her head in response to the last part of my statement her eyes getting a far away look to them as she ventured into a trail of thought.

My own thoughts scattered, considering what awaited me when I got home, what was going to happen between Alice and I, what Bella was thinking about so intently; I even took a second to think about how happy Emmett was going to be for the time I spent with Bella. I could imagine his ear to ear grin greeting me at the door before Edward took the distraction as his opportunity to pounce at me and begin tearing me limb from limb. I was mentally running through the make believe scenario play by play when Bella called my name in an attempt to gather my attention.

I refocused my vision on her face, looking directly at the bright but sleepy brown orbs that looked back at me, reconsideration etched over her features as she second guessed what she was initially going to say. She inhaled, exhaled and inhaled again, opening her mouth a few seconds before she made a sound. "If Alice was human and she wanted to spend eternity with you, would you change her? Or have her changed?"

The question caught me off guard at first. The idea of Alice being human when we first met left me with no trace of doubt that we would not be where we were now. Alice was barely pleased with my control issues now, having dealt with them to an extent herself, as a human I think the whole story of my history would have horrified her. I didn't believe she could have ever seen past that part of my life to love me in the slightest. Though I didn't think she was in love with me now; she couldn't even be bothered trying now, she did not want to spend eternity with me now. The question was too ironic for my liking considering Bella's naivety to mine and Alice's problems.

This subject was a delicate one with Bella, I knew, knowing she wanted to be turned herself and Edward was very much against it so I was precautious with my response. I smiled to warm her up and shook my finger at her playfully, offering the joking pretenses to lighten my answer, "Edward and I are very different Bella. You can't ask me this question if you are only going to use the answer as an offence to Edward's decisions."

Bella shook her head rapidly, disagreeing with my assumption. "No that's not it, I was just wondering if it was just Edward's way or if you would all want your mate to live a normal life and 'not be damned to this lifeless existence'" she replied, justifying her question to me.

I looked at her floor as I thought of an answer that would hopefully suffice, whispering my response to her as I heard Charlie sneaking up the stairs, leaning in so she could hear me properly.

"If the woman I loved held the desire of being changed to spend the rest of eternity with me how could I turn that idea away? Ideally I am a selfish creature and I could agree without a second of consideration. Once I finally took the time to think about it I would realize that I needed to make sure she knew exactly what she was getting into, what she would be risking, what she would have to leave behind, and the compromises she would need to make. This life is not for everyone, and there are a lot of human things you will miss when they are no longer available to you."

I could feel Bella's drowsiness beginning to really set in and I lightened my ministrations to her arm, preparing her to be slowly weaned off from my anesthesia, warning her that she would have to sleep soon and I would need to leave.

"I would like to think that the woman I loved was my equal and did not need my approval so much as she just needed my awareness. I wouldn't consider it the kind of thing you would spring on someone you cared about with 'Surprise!' without discussing it first. There would be a few conditions, but very reasonable ones" I went on, my voice picking up in volume as I leaned back, hearing Charlie's breathing slowly even out. "You're tired Bella."

Bella frowned, her eyebrows pulling together as her emotions sifted through quickly; frustration, outrage, embarrassment, and more frustration. I had to guess she wasn't entirely pleased I had noticed.

"I know, but please don't leave yet" She all but pleaded; her eyes even softened and took on a brighter shine, working to her advantage though I'm sure she had no idea she was doing it at all. I had to wonder how Edward could ever say no when she looked at him like that. "This is the one part of today that hasn't been filled with a sense of dread. What would the conditions be?"

I smiled as she tried to distract me and allowed her to, continuing my answer;

"She would have to want to get turned for the right reasons and she would have to be completely certain that it was what she wanted, it is, after all, irreversible. Also I'd want her to know that I'd love her either way, whatever choice she made. I wouldn't want her to feel pressured into changing to please me."

Answering the question wasn't necessarily hard, but it was hard to think of a connection as strong as the one Bella was alluding to when she initially asked me the question with Alice in mind, especially when I knew that the love we had for each other was diminishing slowly. Even though a part of me would always love Alice, if she was human now the fact of the matter is we wouldn't be together, she wouldn't love me and changing her would be against her will.

The strongest connection I had to a human was the one I had with Bella that at best was strained by the scent she had. I could imagine her changing just to make my life easier, she was that type of person, an eternity with Edward would be the bonus to her if he ever got over it.

At any rate I would never be close enough to a human for this idea to ever really be considered, but I supplied Bella with the answers that felt the closest to the truth.

Bella nodded her approval of my answer, feeling very pleased and slightly suspicious. I ignored the suspicion, leaving it to having more questions.

"Do you think Edward will ever change his mind?" she paused, taking in a breath, her cheeks coloring slightly, "You know, about changing me?"

I frowned visibly; Bella's question was personal and had nothing to do with me but I knew she was asking because she genuinely wanted to know my opinion. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to tell her.

Edward held control of this situation very careful and in a very specific way and he would no doubt not appreciate me sharing my opinion with her at all.

Would Edward ever change his mind? Sometimes it didn't seem likely, but other times I could feel the love he felt for Bella and it was enough to inspire hope. He did love her in his own way, but he handled things strangely and he definitely thought he knew best; so would he change his mind? It was hard to know.

I reapplied the previous pressure I had been putting on Bella's wound, a silent signal that she had managed to secure my company for the next amount of time with her pleading and grabbed her hand as my mind strung the words of my response together, absently rubbing my thumb along the smooth skin on the top of her hand.

"Understand Bella that Edward loves you, don't doubt that. It isn't that he doesn't want to spend the rest of eternity with you; he just considers eternity more of a curse then a blessing. For him, the transition to this life from human life was one that left him empty as a person. His emotions were very dormant until he met you. He's a very reserved character; he doesn't feel anything that a situation doesn't call for. Not every vampire is like this of course, but Edward doesn't really know how to comprehend this idea, to understand that he really is the only one of us who is rather… void?"

I cleared my throat unnecessarily, trying to bide myself some time and find a way to turn this answer around. While what I had said was true in every sense it sounded to me like I was indirectly attacking Edward and that was not what I was trying to achieve at all. Not to mention, telling Bella that Edward used to be practically emotionally void didn't exactly send the right message about his feelings now, did it?

I didn't understand why I found it so easy to be honest with her, but I figured I owed her my honesty for the grief I had put her through tonight.

"I'm not trying to insult him; so much as I'm finding it difficult to explain correctly. Edward thinks that we, as vampires, have no soul, which is why it is much harder to bring emotions out in us, why we have no particular reason to live but the fact that we can't die. He would prefer that you never had to feel this way about your own life, and that you could just spend a normal lifetime together, regardless of the inevitable ending that would occur. I don't know if he'll ever change his mind because I can barely understand why he is so opposed, maybe because he is not as selfish as I am, or maybe he is more so, I'm not sure. I think the point is, is that one day or another Edward will realize that he has found reason for his existence and he won't want to lose that. I believe there is hope, but I cannot bring myself to make promises to you that I cannot assure will fall through."

Bella nodded her head slowly, her grief obvious through her reaction alone.

"I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up about it Bella. Your feelings are very heart breaking to deal with at times. I wish he wouldn't refuse you something you want so much."

Bella's lips curved up into a smile and her emotions relaxed considerably, "Do you think Edward will be very mad were having this conversation?"

I grinned, "Furious," I told her honestly. "Not with you" I assured her quickly, feeling her panic a bit. "He'll be angry with me, one for even daring to come anywhere near you after tonight, and two, for even talking about this, no matter what I'm saying, whether I am defending his choice or attacking it."

Bella's anger rose rapidly once more, though notably more level then the onslaught of frustration that had filled her earlier and she spoke with clear annoyance.

"You can leave if you'd like. I didn't bother taking into account the trouble you'd get into for being here. I don't want anyone to be mad with you at my expense anymore so then they are already. Though no one has any right to be mad at you, it's not your fault I cut my finger, and I was certain you were fine. I wasn't worried you were going to hurt me. I was worried that you were going to feel bad afterwards though. Edward certainly has no right to get so mad with you, you have done nothing but help end this horrible day on a more positive note," she expressed, her tone making my smile widen with each word she said, my eyes probably twinkling in delighted amusement.

"I never realized you were such a firecracker, Bella, it's certainly a surprise" I teased her, unable to help myself, and feeling the situation was comfortable to do so.

Bella coursed with embarrassment, hearing my comment, her cheeks automatically turning a nice bright red that only pleased my amusement more.

"There's no need to be embarrassed," I told her, still kind of teasing as I reapplied the thumb rubbing technique to the top of her hand. "It is very satisfying to see this side of you, especially to know that you feel you can act like this around me. We haven't exactly had the most stable relationship and I am sorry about that, I've always thought it was in your best interests for me to stay at a distance, I'm not the easiest person to get along with at any means."

Bella was silent for a moment while she considered my words, but soon enough had something to say.

"I suppose Edward probably isn't thrilled about you coming anywhere near me either" she supplied, saying Edward's name with such obvious disdain I had to bite back my smile.

"Edward may or may not have mentioned that he preferred me not to test my self control with you as the bait" I admitted. "This has really upset you, hasn't it? Your emotions are changing so rapidly, I almost feel tired," I laughed, feeling her flash with anger and then settle back into a calm state almost as quickly.

Bella smiled and nodded her head, "I don't like knowing that he is angry with you, or anyone else for something that was just as much my fault if not more so than anyone else's. None of this would have happened if I hadn't come along. It especially bothers me that he can act as if it's not my fault, and it also bothers me that he even has the nerve to suggest something as absurd as me and Mike" Bella shivered visibly at the mention of her and Mike in a relationship.

Bella's fatigue was beginning to pick up again and I knew it was better for me to leave now. If I didn't Edward's anger would only increase and Bella would find a way to convince me to stay as long as she wanted.

"As much as I would rather stay in this emotional climate you really should get to sleep Bella. It's getting late and one of us has school in the morning" I told her, offering her a reminder of school in the hopes that she would accept my farewell more reasonably.

From the little medical knowledge I had picked up from Carlisle over the years I surmised her arm must be numb by now and laid off my rubbing methods.

Bella was a little disappointed, but accepted the fact.

"Tell Edward that I said he's not allowed to tell you off, and that he will be in a lot of trouble if he does."

I nodded, standing up and making my way to the window to make my exit. I opened the hatch softly before Bella called out to me, "Oh, and Jasper,"

I turned with a small smile on my face, offering her my attention.

"Thank you. For coming to visit and all you know? I wanted to see you myself before I left, but well… Edward was being difficult. It was nice to have someone to talk to about all that stuff."

"It was no problem at all. I was concerned that I had scared you half to death and felt the need to apologize for my appalling display earlier, but please Bella, get some sleep, neither of us need anymore of a reason to anger Edward" I swayed her, jumping from her window before she had the chance to protest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three**

**Authors note: Wow you cannot believe how sorry I am that it's taken this long for me to update. I've had people staying for weeks at a time, work, back to school and just to make things harder we got a new computer, and I couldn't transfer my files to it straight away because the cpu is fucked so we need to take it in to get it fixed, so I had to re hook up our old computer just for the sake of this chapter, and maybe the next few to come depending on what's up with the new hard drive. This chapter is more focused on helping you understand whats up with Jasper and Alice, but I think really all I need to tell you is, Alice can see the future right? I tried to make it as unheartbreaking and sad as possible, but I'm not sure if its possible at all. I love Alice a lot. OH! And thank you to everyone that has reviewed, every email I get makes me so happy, and all the favorites and alerts too, you are all wonderful and I'll try my best to reply to you from here on in.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but wow, cool, being the creator of Jasper Whitlock, well, I'd be proud of myself.**

As soon as I left Bella's house I started running. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I ghosted into the forest lining her backyard and let my legs make the directional decisions from that point. The only thing I knew was that I wasn't going home.

Not yet.

Home could wait. I was in no rush to return. Edward would have a few things to say and they could wait. I didn't doubt this would be one of the times where Edward's language was much more colorful than usual. Unlike Bella, no one at my home would be going to sleep anytime soon, so I didn't see the harm in my delayed return, unless Edward was that angry.

Another thing that I was indirectly putting off was returning to Alice. We'd been walking on glass for months now that it was almost natural and comfortable, but it didn't make me any happier.

Alice was keeping things from me. Her visions, her thoughts, and if she could, her feelings too. When Edward was in one of his more charitable moods he had confessed that Alice was practicing a meditation technique that kept her in a constant calm. It didn't always work; sometimes her grief would slip through. On the odd occasion I'd even feel sheer joy radiating off her in waves, crashing over me in the most unpleasant way.

I didn't understand what she had to be so happy about but I knew she wouldn't tell me.

For the benefit of everyone else we kept our relationship to its usual constraints. Holding hands maybe if we ever ventured out in public, which we had to when I wasn't 'away at college' and spending the silent time together we usually did. Esme was worried about it, and because Esme was worried Carlisle worried too. Rosalie didn't take much notice, and Bella certainly hadn't caught on as far as I knew. The only person I worried about was Emmett, but I knew if he had realized something was wrong he'd do his best to ignore it.

Emmett hated knowing that someone in the family was unhappy. Emmett was the one person you could rely on in this family to always be happy. Even when things were falling apart, he could always find something to smile about.

I often wondered if I wasn't empathic if I would be able to achieve the same sort of inner happiness he seemed to have. Even Alice and her bubbly nature couldn't compete with Emmett's knack to find the silver lining and the funny side to everything.

I ended up in the clearing I'd been in before I left to Bella's under Emmett's orders, crouched in the same position, sitting on my ankles. I remember Bella mimicking the position once, but she said it was much too uncomfortable for her to stay like that. That and the fact that she was human and prone to gravity unawareness meant the position was hardly one that agreed with her.

I don't know how long I sat there mulling things over about me and Alice. It was hardly something I should expose myself to thinking about, but for once in a long time I was on my own, experiencing my own feelings, left to the privacy of my own thoughts. How could I turn down the simple idea of taking advantage of the opportunity?

I was in the middle of several thoughts when a mass of limbs came barreling into the clearing stopping only feet short of myself.

Emmett, of course. Sometimes I wondered if he was tuned into my whereabouts or something because he always found me.

I wasn't even mad this time, once I was taken out of my pity party by his abrupt appearance I realized I didn't want to stay in it.

Emmett hunched over with his hands on his knees, gasping in breaths almost as if he actually needed to.

"You need to come home" He started, "I was talking to Alice and I know things haven't been right for ages, but she told me what's happening and you need to come back now. We need you right now, if you can't calm Edward down enough for us to talk some sense into him then you better be ready to pack your stuff and get to stepping."

"Packing, are you serious? He's that upset over this whole thing?"

I couldn't believe it! Upset, enough to yell at me, swear at me, and maybe dismember me, understandable; but pack up and live Forks upset, well that I didn't understand at all.

"What can I say?" Emmett joked, though still sounding as pissed off as I could sense he was. "It's Edward, master of overreaction."

I stood from my crouched position and dusted my clothes off. If I was going to see Alice I best make sure my clothes were tidy. I hardly needed to give her another reason to be upset with me, on top of almost killing her best friend.

"Right, go, Alice knows I'm coming to get you so I'm sure she expects you home shortly. I need to go get something" Emmett told me, looking in the other direction.

"At a time like this you need to go get something?" I narrowed my eyebrows at him, wondering what on earth was so important that he had to go get it now, when it seemed our family was about to cause collateral damage. What did he have to go get that was making him fill to the brim with excitement?

"Look, I can't tell you, just go home" Emmett ordered me once more, his strict tone warning me this was the last time he'd tell me.

I took off in the direction of our house without a second more of hesitations, seeing him take off in the opposite direction.

I made it back in five seconds flat, almost slamming right through Esme's front doors, not the best idea. As soon as I stepped through the doors I was hit with everyone's emotions in full force. Esme's grief, Alice's annoying calm, Edward's determination, Rose's complete anger, and Carlisle's steady contentment.

"…Leaving, I finally get out of high school, for god knows what time, and now I'm going to have to start over. Thanks a lot Edward, you had to fall for a fucking human girl."

Rosalie was pacing from what I could hear, in her and Emmett's room, cursing Bella and Edward alike.

I walked through the house at a human pace, unsure if my presence had been realized or not. I found Esme packing up kitchen utensils and bowls. Stuff she'd finally had a reason to use after so long.

Her body was shaking with grief, a sad smile on her lips as she taped a box up and moved on to the next.

"Esme," I called out to her, stopping her packing for the time being. "Esme, I'm so sorry, I would never, I should have been more careful" I trailed off, unsuccessfully apologizing, but communicating my remorse all the same.

"Nonsense, Jasper. I'm fine. You know what Edward's like, this is best for everyone I'm sure" she replied, turning her golden eyes on me and forcing her smile to stretch more across her features.

Grief did nothing good for Esme. It aged her. She had never looked so old and fragile as she did now for all the time I'd known her. Her beautiful caring face faltering with the simplest movements.

"Jasper, we need to talk."

Alice's voice filtered down the stairs to me, her tone reflecting Esme's grief, almost as if she were about to cry.

I made my way to her without a second thought. Alice was folding clothes away into boxes when I entered the room. Our room, HER room. I had long since spent most of my time in the study Carlisle and Esme had put together for me.

"I guess I don't need to tell you that we're leaving; that much is obvious."

She paused in her packing and made her way over to me, clasping both of my hands in hers and tugging me over to the arm chair in the corner. She gestured for me to sit, so sit I did and she clambered her way into my lap, nestling her head into the crook of my neck, my arms unsurprisingly finding their way around her waist. It was like older times, but it felt all wrong, because it wasn't the same.

"It wasn't meant to happen like this you know? I've seen all the events leading up to this in perfect clarity for months, years even. Do you know that I had a vision of Bella the day she was born?" Alice mused, sounding so sadly happy. "I didn't know what it meant, but I had visions of her all the time, she's always been around, it wasn't until a few months ago that it all began making sense."

She shifted around, making herself more comfortable before she continued. "Edward wasn't meant to push Bella into the table, that's what set everything off. Rest assured Jasper, despite what you may think this isn't your fault. I know it, Emmett knows it, Rose blames Bella naturally, and even Esme and Carlisle know it. You need to stop feeling guilty because it won't help."

I opened my mouth to argue, thinking it was the logical thing to do. Regardless of this or not, it was still part my fault. I was the liability in this family. If I hadn't been around Edward wouldn't have even needed to worry about defending Bella at all. Alice clamped her hand over my mouth before I could get a word out.

"When we first met I think I was the happiest I have ever been. You have no idea how valuable a puzzle piece you are, you made so many things make sense, and one day you'll get to see how, but for now it's not my place to tell you. Everything will fall into place just like it should. Even if we leave I can still see it all happening, but it's better if we stay. The situation is a lot easier to salvage if we stay, a lot better."

Alice repeated the last sentence in different variations a few times over like a mantra, trying to convince me, and perhaps even herself that it was true. I wanted to reassure her, but I had no idea what she was actually talking about. I trusted her though. If Alice said things were meant to go this way, then they were meant to go this way; no matter the hurt feelings they put everyone through.

"Jasper, you do know I love you, right?" she asked me quietly, nuzzling my neck with her nose.

I didn't say anything. I hadn't felt her love for me in months, I didn't know if I could be sure of her feelings for me at all.

"I know things have been tense with us, and I've been keeping secrets. But I know you understand that sometimes I can't tell you things, and trust me, these things are the ones I wish I could tell you the most. It makes me so happy to see where you're going in the future, see how much better things are going to be for you. You're going to be so happy, Jazzy."

It was times like these I wish I had Edward's power, though I often debated over which of our abilities was more undesirable. I found mine was probably easier to live with. If everyone was in a good mood, as was I. But no one ever stopped thinking. Edward's mind had to sound like a high school hallway almost constantly. I could never be bothered putting up with that. It would have been straight to the Volturi to plead for death after the first month, I surmised. If I even lasted that long.

"I'll always love you Jasper, whether you believe it or not; whether we can be friends now, later or never, I'll never stop loving you, but you need to know that we aren't meant to be. We never were, and I think even you know that. We were bought together because I needed to bring you to this place, to this time, to this situation. We had to help each other, and you've been wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better companion throughout the years. You're the most loyal, handsome, caring man and one day someone else is going to realize it too. But that person for you isn't me. Do you understand? I don't want to hurt you, but you know we're not right."

My grip on Alice tightened instinctively. She was right, and I knew she was, but I really couldn't accept the fact that we had reached our goodbye.

It was saddening to say the least, to really be parting ways with Alice. She had been my confidant for years. My support system. She had faith in me. No matter what she had always loved me unconditionally. But she was right, we weren't meant for each other.

This was true just based off the fact that if it weren't we wouldn't even be doubting ourselves. When a vampire mates, they mate for life. They form the deepest, strongest connection. A connection so strong it cannot be severed. Well, that's what Carlisle had said. But Alice and I, no matter how much we loved each other had never wanted the things people in love want.

We married because it seemed right. We shared a room because that's what couples do. But we really just loved each other in a way that we were comfortable to help the other out, be there when needed, provide relief, and always be happy for the other. Our relationship was purely one of beneficial basis. We could provide each other with what we wanted in a form that almost seemed so real to what we desired.

But if what Alice said was true, there was someone that was going to really love me, do everything she had done and Alice was stepping aside to let it happen. My heart broke for her own selflessness. She was sacrificing her marriage so that I could find the person I was destined for? I felt immense dislike for this person already for causing Allie such grief these past few months.

"Jasper I may not be an empath, but it doesn't take an idiot to figure out how you're feeling" Alice chided me, leaning back in my embrace to look me in the eye. "Just like there is someone for you, there is someone for me, and for the record, I very much like the someone there is for you. She's going to be perfect, you'll be amazed that it's possible, and you'll possibly even laugh at how absurd an idea it is, but trust me, go with it."

"I trust you," I told her honestly.


	4. Chapter 4

**A****uthors note**: haha it would be a good thing if I knew how to reply to reviews. Is it just private messaging, or am I missing something? On a different note though, man, the really bad sleep I had was forgotten as soon as I saw all the emails from ff I had this morning. Twenty something, reviews, favorites, alerts. Thank you all so much. It makes writing so much more enjoyable knowing that so many of you like it/are interested in it. For the record, I really did not enjoy writing this scene because I do actually like Edward, so all the hurt feelings got me down. It's probably rushed because I wanted it over and done with, but if its that bad I'm willing to rewrite it. Remember to tell me what you think, I really appreciate it a whole lot.

**Disclaimer:** Chapter four, and by now I'm sure you all know I'm not Stephanie, and I'm not making any profit out of writing this. Still wish I owned Jasper, but alas, I don't.

Chapter four

Alice and I sat like that for a few moments more before she removed herself from my lap and resumed packing. Instantly I felt lonely. I knew that the comfort Alice had provided me with over the years was now ceased. I was alone for the next extended period of time until this person she spoke of entered my life. I couldn't believe it already; not only Alice's self sacrifice, but the fact that there was actually someone out there for me. Someone that was going to accept my past as willingly as she had, more willingly even? Impossible.

"Emmett's had a stroke of genius. He should be back in a few seconds, and then we'll need to head downstairs for the confrontation" Alice told me, a smirk playing on her lips as she folded one of her favorite shirts and put it into a suitcase.

I stayed in the seat, finding the idea of beginning to pack useless and redundant if I were to go downstairs in the time Alice has suggested.

I heard Emmett's feet racing across the ground outside the house and the front door click as he made his entrance. Alice was gone in a wink dancing down the stairs in her own graceful way, but trying to keep her excitement from showing on the outside. She knew that no matter what this moment meant to the future, what it meant to all of us was complete and utter hate.

It was safe to say that at this point none of us were happy. Emmett's excitement was gone, and Rose was still pissed off with Edward. Though Esme and Carlisle were prone to pretending they were alright, I knew well enough that they weren't.

But what about me? How did I feel? I couldn't really distinguish my feelings from everyone else's. All I knew was that I had a huge sense of dread creeping up on me and overwhelming me when I realized what Emmett had done.

Bella's freesia scent hit me, and then I heard her heartbeat, slow, steady, calm, but only for the time being. Her emotions were an array as per usual; fatigue, confusion, and a spike of fear thrown into the mix.

I stood to make my way down the stairs but Edward's next words stopped me. They stopped everyone.

"Bella's here."

Rosalie ceased in her pacing, Esme paused, Carlisle hung up the call he was in; we all stopped the unnecessary breathing and just waited. What we were waiting for I have no idea.

Time seemed to stand still for awhile. In this house time barely existed, but with a situation like this its restraints wrapped themselves around us quickly. When you did not sleep, and only had something to occupy you for five to seven hours a day time became something that meant so little to you. Time was the only thing in existence that didn't have a limit. The supply would never shorten, time would stretch on. As a vampire we had nothing but time, and it never seemed to move.

Without the breaks in between while the humans slept, for me, it was like I had lived a solitary day in my vampire existence that stretched onwards and further. Time just became something that got in the way when you lived this lifestyle, something that bothered you.

But for now time started moving again and instantly every vampire in the house ghosted to the living room. I'm sure that the freeze frame we had all found ourselves in was probably mere seconds to Bella, who was looking around the room with a heavy heart.

It didn't take a genius to work out what was going on. From the packed boxes, to the bubble wrapped upholstery, and the expanse of emptiness the room now offered, everything about this house was beginning to scream abandonment.

Well at the least I'm sure this was what it screamed to Bella.

Edward was the last to arrive, purposely walking slowly, with a certain determination lingering in his emotional climate with just the slightest after shot of guilt. He made his steps heavy, alerting Bella of his oncoming presence. It sounded like a warning call; like the moments in old westerns when it would get to the showdown and you'd hear the all important footsteps as they walked away from each, backs facing, to turn and shoot at the right time.

I felt Bella's fear heighten, Edward's as well even; he was scared. I didn't blame him. I'm sure if he'd planned to deal with this situation at all it wasn't like this.

I seriously hoped he had planned to deal with this situation. I hadn't been around when the decision had been made but if Edward had intentions of throwing Bella for a loop I was willing to dismember him. There was no way she deserved the backlash effect that would cause. When word got around town that we were gone and the kids heard it from their parents that we weren't just away on another 'camping' trip they'd all turn to Bella for an explanation. She was the only one that spoke to us, they only one that could possibly know and they'd all expect her to.

I could imagine the scenario in my head easily; Bella completely dejected and some bitch of a girl like Lauren coming up and asking where we'd gone, with Bella having no answer to provide. She'd be embarrassed despite it all, not that her despair would lessen to make room for the emotion, only pull to one side so the embarrassment and despair could coexist evenly.

She would have started as Isabella Swan, the girl that tore down Edward Cullen's defences and made it into his good books, but she would be remembered as abandoned by Edward and if I knew anything about Bella at all, she'd find a way to blame it on herself.

Alice flitted over to Bella and squeezed her hand reassuringly as Edward made his final steps in to the living room, mere feet from where I stood and on the opposite side of the room from Bella.

"You're leaving..." Bella stated sadly, the statement held the smallest hint of a question, but one she certainly didn't look like she wanted answered.

Edward looked at her with pained eyes. He looked torn, as if he was fighting against himself to stay where he was rather than go and wrap his arms around her, his body angled slightly forward, but his arms pulled back.

He was an idiot, overreacting and unaware of the destruction he was about to cause.

"Bella..."

Bella's eyebrows narrowed into a glare as she blinked back the tears of realisation that had built up in her eyes. "No Edward, don't let me stop you. Just tell me one thing; were you planning on telling me, or just leaving me?"

Edward scoffed, "Bella, you know that's not fair. Of course I was going to tell you, I would never, could never... you weren't meant to find out like this," he explained weakly.

I didn't think there was anything he could do to redeem himself, but Bella was a forgiving person. If Edward pulled out a good line or two and meant it I'm sure he could find his way back into her life eventually. I didn't think he deserved it though.

I'd felt his love towards Bella, and it wasn't as strong as it should be, his fear for her outweighed his love considerably, and I didn't see how they could develop their relationship with that as the case. But how could I judge, my wife and I had just broken up.

"I'd like to go home please; There's no reason for me to be here anymore" Bella whispered, knowing our fine tuned hearing would pick up on her words.

Alice grabbed Bella's hand once more and stroked her arm comfortingly, "Jasper will take you back."

I looked at her in alarm. It couldn't possibly be a good idea to suggest that I take Bella home when Edward considered my lack of self control a fair enough basis to leave her, certainly that had to change the circumstances of forgiveness around here.

Just as I suspected Edward's emotions turned possessive and he briefly looked at me, offering me a look of disgust. "Do you not think he's done enough damage tonight?"

Emmett growled instinctively, coming to my defence just as he had earlier in the clearing, the biggest surprise came in the form of Bella who snapped her head to face Edward and all but sneered at him.

"I'm sorry what damage was this?" she started, "The part when he didn't attack me, or the part where you threw me at the table?"

Edward was momentarily taken aback, we all were. The fact that Bella was standing up for me, to Edward nonetheless was thoroughly surprising. I felt a small amount of affection for her course through me. Bella owed me nothing, yet here she was, taking her chances with Edward's bad temper.

Edward crossed the room with sympathy written all over his face and held Bella's hands in his own. "Bella, you know I was just trying to keep you safe. I would never do anything to purposely hurt you."

Bella tried to pull her hands away but I could see that Edward's grip was too tight to allow her to. "You don't think that you leaving isn't going to hurt me? Are you fucking delusional Edward? I have given you all of me that I possibly can and you're throwing it back in my face like it meant nothing. One little accident and you're just going to leave, just run away?!"

I'm not sure if I was the only one that felt out of place but it felt wrong to be witnessing Bella and Edward arguing; especially when I realised that the reason they were arguing stemmed from something that could be considered my fault. I knew Alice and Emmett whole heartedly believed that it wasn't my fault and I needed to stop blaming myself but the blame game seemed to be something that we enjoyed in this house.

Bella managed to pull her hands free when Edward's grip slackened at her words and she stepped back, her eyes falling to the floor and her anger lessening to let her grief overtake once more.

"I never thought you'd be the one to disappoint me."

I felt Edward's dead heart as it stabbed with the hurt the words Bella had said caused in him. It was as if she had ripped him wide open for everyone to see and the sight was devastating. I felt sympathy for him, but I felt it for Bella as well. I had no business having anything to do with this moment; none of us did, but we were all here, spectators to the speculation of Edward and Bella's undoing.

Edward met his resolve, he'd made up his mind, and she couldn't change it. If anything she was probably making it easier for him to do this. No wonder Alice thought Emmett had a stroke of genius, but I didn't understand why us leaving was so vital to what Alice saw in the future. I surely hoped that we didn't need to leave for my benefit. I would leave on my own if that were the case, or simply ignore what my destiny had planned.

"I'm no good for you Bella, my world hurts you and I've been an idiot for letting you stay in it for so long. You need to understand that I love you too much to let you stay in this situation. I feel like my presence in your life is like a gamble, as if I'm playing with your life, you deserve much better than that. You deserve a normal life."

Edward was playing his cards just right, telling the truth, but saying the things that would anger Bella to a point beyond return. He didn't want her to want him anymore, didn't want her to try find him when he left, he wanted her to leave tonight with her anger fuelling a hatred that she could conserve until she found someone else better. Was there someone better, I knew how much Bella loved him.

She was right when she said she'd given him everything she possibly could. I could feel it. Bella's love for Edward soared over any rationality and fear she had; there was nothing she felt more strongly about. But here he was pushing her away, turning down her feelings, and the love she had for him wasn't there at the moment. All there was was pain, hurt, and rage.

"You're right," Bella agreed sadly. "You are no good for me. I can't keep up with your decisions anymore, you tire me out. After all, I'm only human."

Bella's sentence was the final line; their tortured caricature of a goodbye was over.

Edward squeezed Bella's hand one last time, caressing the side of her face before spinning on his heel and returning to his room. I immediately heard him return to his packing as I felt Bella's emotions drop off my radar entirely. The idea of her emotions just disappearing scared me. People's emotions didn't just disappear.

Esme quickly made her way over to Bella and wrapped her arms around Bella's form, pulling her in close and whispering into her hair. "I want you to know this doesn't change anything Bella. I have already accepted you as my daughter, and I always will if you want anything to do with this family anymore. I'll always care for you, whether we are here, or elsewhere."

"I'd like to leave now, please" her voice was broken, pleading. I noticed Esme's face falter when Bella spoke. She released Bella from her embrace and took a step back with sad eyes.

"We'll let Jasper take you home then, Bella" Carlisle amended, taking Esme into his arms and stroking her hair to sooth her as the grief overflowed her being.

Despite the lack of time most of us had spent with her we had all accepted her into the family, even Rose to an extent. I couldn't help but notice that she felt bad for Bella throughout her and Edward's confrontation. I was glad she wasn't being completely selfish and happy that Bella's feelings were hurt, that she had practically been destroyed. All it would have taken to make her feel otherwise, was to get her to imagine how she'd feel if it had been her and Emmett rather than Edward and Bella.

Bella forced herself to look at us and pushed a smile onto her face before turning her attentions to me. I smiled at her in return, though the smile was restrained, clearly showing that I was sorry for what had happened.

"Before you go Bella," Alice quipped, "I just wanted to let you know, this isn't the last time you'll see any of us if you don't want it to be. Edward has made his mind to leave on his own so whether we stay or not is in debate, but I'm always just a word away. If you need me, or you want me I'll drop whatever I'm doing."

Bella smiled gratefully at her and threw herself into Alice's arms, holding on tightly for a fraction before stepping back and muttering a small thank you.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note; I wasn't planning on writing this chapter straight away but once I started I couldn't stop. I enjoyed writing this chapter so I hope I didn't take Bella too out of character and context for your liking, but the pretenses are different, so of course she's going to be a bit different.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, but on the bright side, I do own this haha. (aside from the characters and the pretense to the plot.)  
**

Chapter five

I was... despondent. That's the only way I could think to describe it. I felt like a ghost of myself, visible, but empty. I was beyond shock to the point that my emotions had fled. I couldn't feel anything but the constant intake of air as it filled my lungs. I almost wished it wouldn't.

Edward was leaving me. The sight of their house, packed up, the boxes, and the sad looks on everyone's faces. I couldn't believe it. Or maybe I just didn't want to believe it. The latter was probably true. Who wanted to accept that the one reliable they had was no longer that?

The worst part of it all was that it wasn't even for one good reason. Edward...ugh I couldn't even think his name without my chest flaring with pain. He had compiled a list of all the small things that had almost happened and let them rule his reason. Needless to say, it did not make me happy.

I'd said a few things I wasn't sure I even meant in the heat of the moment. Even if I didn't mean them the way they sounded, they were all true. I couldn't keep up with him, no matter how I tried. I could never tell what exactly it was that he was playing at. I just hoped that it was the same game I was playing. I wanted him to want me equally as much as I wanted him, but I knew I was deluding myself if I ever believed it were even possible.

I knew he'd been angry about the way the night had gone, but I didn't think it would possibly be the last nail in the coffin, so to speak. When Emmett woke me up I instantly went into a panic wondering what on earth could be going on that required Emmett to fetch me. I couldn't help myself from wondering what had happened, what was so bad that it needed to be dealt with now and why hadn't Edward come to get me?

Emmett didn't answer any of my questions only offered me an apology and a cryptic answer, "I'm so sorry, Bella, but you deserve to know."

He was right, I did deserve to know, and despite the fact that he had said he would I wasn't sure if Edward had any intentions of telling me at all. The house seemed packed and ready to go by the time I got there, barely any time had passed since I'd left, but they were almost done packing.

My heart had sunk the second I realised what was going on, but the sinking feeling was nothing compared to the breaking. I felt like someone had grabbed a nail and hammer and just lightly tapped it against the centre, effectively causing it to shatter into a million pieces, as if it were made of glass. I felt every sharp edge graze against my insides, cutting a gash in my chest, leaving me gaping open, exposed, when Edward finally entered the room. I remember my thoughts racing, wishing against all the obvious signs that I was missing some valid point and there was a way they could explain all this to me that didn't result in them leaving, but I knew there wasn't.

At that point, with the realisation dawning on me I couldn't even fool myself into ignorance.

Jasper was leading me through to the garage, towards his car so he could take me home.

Home, I had once considered this place to be just that, but now all it held for me was pain. Pain that I was currently numb to.

I got into the car, completely disregarding my seatbelt and Jasper thankfully not taking any notice of it. I knew the way these vampires drove and I was hoping to shock myself into feeling, even if had to scare myself silly to do it. Despondent and I didn't get along. I hated feeling void, and hated more that Edward had this power over me.

There was no denying it though. His words had hurt, his gestures equally as much and I was broken because of it. Stupidly I was in love with him, too much even. Apparently he didn't seem to return the affection with an equal amount, but what were his words? I love you too much to let you stay in this situation. He loved me too much? I didn't believe him, I couldn't.

Every fibre of my being was screaming at me to hate him; for the way he had made me feel and the way he had treated me, but I simply couldn't. It did however bother me to no end that he had the nerve to suggest that he was 'letting' me be in his life. I hated that he never considered my opinion or how I felt, that it was merely his decision. The worst of it all was that he reasoned it with him loving me too much, but it couldn't be. If he loved me so much he should have been, should be willing to take any risk, at any cost to keep us together. I had been, always. I had turned down my mother to stay with him. I had made sacrifices; I had thrown my self security away for him.

I was willing to give my life in the place of his, but mine came into the smallest graze with death and he was running in the opposite direction with his excuses. I couldn't interpret it as love, only negligence and fear, selfish. This wasn't so I'd be safe, this was so he wouldn't feel responsible if I was ever in a situation where I wasn't safe.

"Bella, I can't feel anything from you, and honestly, it's scaring me" Jasper finally said, as he pulled out of the driveway.

"Drive faster" I ordered him gently, urging him to comply as I stared straight ahead as the road began to blur past us while the speedometer stretched higher, passing one hundred, nearing one fifty. "Faster," I repeated.

He did as I wished; pushing against the accelerator until I was holding onto my seat and a small amount of fear finally gripped me. I smiled at the gain of emotion, longing for more speed, more risk, more fear. I felt dead, and I wanted to feel alive, wanted to feel the exhilaration of the racing wind as we cut through it.

I let my window down, relishing the feel of the wind rushing into the car, making my breathing harder to achieve, but causing adrenalin to rush through me as fast as the miles the car was taking.

"Bella, put your seatbelt on" Jasper demanded, sounding a tad anxious.

My smile widened as he revealed that the lack of my safety hadn't passed his notice.

"No," I replied simply, pressing against the seat more, moulding myself into the leather.

"Edward will kill me if something happens to you. He does still love you."

I couldn't stop myself, I laughed maniacally.

"Don't insult my intelligence Jasper. He doesn't love me" I responded, my reply coming out with an edge of excitement as my exhilaration leaked into my voice, causing me to sound shrill as I yelled over the wind. I wondered if Jasper heard me, or my words simply carried with the wind and fell behind us.

Jasper didn't say anything, but as he approached the turn off to the road that would take us to my house he slowed down and I made my protest.

"NO! Don't take me home, just keep going, keep driving, go faster."

I could feel Jasper looking at me, most likely questioning my mental health at the moment but I did my best to ignore it and project my emotions to him.

I couldn't feel the pain, and loss and hurt. All I felt was joy, idiotic recklessness.

My plan must have worked because he made the opposite turn and headed for the highway, gaining speed as he did. My smile remained firmly in place, and although I felt slightly detached from my being I didn't think it was possible for me to be happier about it.

The wind whipped through my hair, throwing it around wildly. Edward never would have done this for me, never would have driven this fast when there was no reason to. He wouldn't have risked my morality though I could hardly see the harm the speed was causing. Jasper was an excellent driver, drifting around each corner with a loud screech and sending my heart thumping in response at the risk of the car flipping over.

The idea of chasing danger, going against Edward's wishes thrilled me to the core and doing it with Jasper only made it better because I knew Edward didn't trust him. Jasper had better control than any of them thought. I held no fear towards being in his company, and the small amount of fear I did have was completely rational. I was scared of what I was doing to myself.

I certainly wasn't acting like myself. I hated driving fast, I was not a thrill seeker, but this felt right. Nothing had ever felt more like something I would do than this. Didn't they say that the things you experienced in life moulded you into the person you were to be? My break up, no scratch that, my separation with Edward was the cause for this change. I felt like less of a live spirit and I was willing to do what it took to get my blood pumping, and get my spirit soaring. Despite my questioning of my own character I knew Renee would be happy to see my letting go a little.

Jasper's sound system had started up the second he turned the engine on and he hadn't bothered to do anything about it. I doubted that this was his choice; Alice had played it a few times when we went out together. It was Kelly Clarkson and I didn't mind it. It wasn't one of her CD's in particular, just a playlist of Alice's favorites she told me, played through the iPod car adapter set up.

I leaned forward curiously to catch a line of the song and see if I recognized it. I'd heard this playlist so often that I almost knew all of the words.

"Turn it up if you like" Jasper offered, glancing at me with a half smile.

I took advantage of his offer and turned up the volume, much further then I would have normally, to compete with the sound of the wind rushing through the car still.

The pickup in volume helped me place the song, recognizing the acoustic guitar and the words.

_And I don't know  
This could break my heart or save me  
Nothing's real  
Until you let go completely  
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving  
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me_

I formed the words with my lips but let no sound escape me, looking at the song in a new light. This new way of understanding made a certain satisfaction bubble inside of me. Nothing in my life was real. I had been swept into fantasy and fairytales when in reality the whole world I lived in would have been viewed as horrifying to any sane person. But I clearly wasn't any sane person, and now that I'd found my escape from the illusion of fairytale I was letting go because I simply didn't care anymore. Not suffering was my first priority and I was doing great with Jasper's help.

Not only was nothing in my life completely real, but it made me realize that Edward was my addiction. I had grown addicted to him, made myself believe I needed him, convinced myself that I would die without him. But I was still alive, my heart was still beating. Maybe it just hadn't sunk in yet.

_Three months and I'm still sober_

I was going to make it. I could survive three months without him. If he could leave me I could let go, completely. I would do it. Bella Swan was not dependant on a relationship with a boy. Before him I was a single unit. I could depend on myself. I was always going to be there. I wasn't going to abandon myself when things got hard. Besides who could you trust if you couldn't trust yourself? I had let myself get too involved and lost pieces of my independency while I was at it. I was going to claim every part of it back.

"In three months, I want to do this again, even if we do it in between or we don't, in three months I want to go down this road, at this speed with this song" I told Jasper, moving around in my seat to sit on top of my legs and stick my arm out of the open window, feeling the wind separating around my outstretched fingers, enjoying the force of resistance I was causing.

I looked over in Jasper's direction and found him smiling. I took that as enough of a sign that he was agreeing to my request.

The song changed when Sober finished and started playing one of Alice's very favorites. Whenever this song came on she turned it up as loud as it could go and we sang along at the top of our lungs.

"Does this car go any faster?" I questioned, sitting forward and holding onto the handle above my window.

Jasper raised his eyebrows with a slight smirk, "Are you sure?"

I nodded my head, "Completely, push it."

My body jerked with the sudden addition of speed and I looked over at the speedometer, thoroughly impressed. Between the song and the purring of the engine my joy was pushing the limits of being unbelievable. Even I couldn't perceive the possibility of feeling like this after what I had just had to go through.

I let myself go, dancing around in my seat and singing to the song loudly, ignoring what Jasper might be thinking. When I reached the chorus I nearly laughed. The very first line was don't let me stop you and I had to smile at the familiarity of the words on my tongue. The way they felt as they left my mouth was gratifying as I remembered exactly when and how I'd said them, and how they would have been reacted to.

I think Jasper acknowledged the familiar words as well, because I noticed a secret smile on his face, but he didn't say anything, just kept driving. That was just fine.

The sound of Jasper's cell phone threw me off for a moment, contrasting against the melody of the song and blaring loudly in battle, the screen flashing vibrantly. Jasper reached over and grabbed his phone off the console, answering the call smoothly with an amused sounding hello.

There was no need to worry about the call. The ringtone clearly signified it was Alice; she had programmed this as her ringtone on Edward's phone too.

Jasper held the phone to his ear and listened to whatever Alice had to say before he smirked and said his goodbyes and a thank you on my behalf.

I looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to explain the call.

He returned my gaze for a moment and not a single part of me worried that his eyes weren't on the road. I didn't doubt his peripheral vision was so exceptional that he could see the road clearly even as he looked at me.

"Alice left your father a note to explain your absence when he wakes up, she knows you have no intention of returning home anytime soon" Jasper elaborated, granting me the information I desired.

I nodded my head with a smile. The thought of returning home hadn't occurred to me, but now that it had I knew Alice was right. I had no intentions of going home any time soon; I just wanted to keep driving. I didn't care where we were going, so long as he didn't slow down. I was thankful Emmett had given me the chance to get dressed before he took me to his house.

We drove for what felt like mere minutes, leaving Forks behind us quickly and taking the road that seemed to stretch onwards to match my silent requests; though in reality I knew we'd been going for hours. We didn't talk, but we didn't need to.

Being with Jasper was comfortable already, I didn't feel the need to justify the comfort I felt around him with words. I knew that he could feel my emotions and could tell that the thankfulness I was projecting was his. I just hoped he was enjoying himself and not complying with my wishes because he felt guilty for what happened.

In no way did I blame him for Edward's decision to leave me. Whether or not his 'questionable' self control (in his eyes, and not mine) was the cause, Edward had chosen the effect all by himself. None of this was to be blamed on Jasper.

The morning had greeted us highways previous and Jasper eventually slowed down as we entered morning traffic in a small and unknown town.

"Do you know where we are?" I asked him, after turning the music down and looking around at the buildings that passed us.

We were driving through the city centre and I found most of the shops and cafes were open so it had to be a reasonable hour by now.

Jasper chuckled briefly, "A few miles from home."

The information made me happy. Being so far away from the disaster of the previous day put my happiness up a tenfold. It felt relaxing to escape. I felt free, as if I had been chained to Forks, stuck there against my will like I had felt when I first got there and Edward Cullen meant nothing to me but odd and untouchable. Being away from the place was like letting myself start all over when I returned.

While I could relish the freedom I had while I was away, when I returned I could simply treat it as disappearing for a few years and returning. Forks was like that. You could leave for years, and return and be accepted back into the community and the routine as if you'd been gone a day, hours or not at all.

Jasper drove around the town idly for a half hour before he stopped the car in front of a cafe and got out, after he wound my window up.

"Come on, I'm sure you're hungry."

I didn't bother telling him I wasn't, there was simply no point. Besides, he had followed my wishes, and I could comply with his simple wish for me to eat something, I could even hide my annoyance that he would be paying for it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note**: Thank you to everyone that is still reading this and puts up with my un-routine updates. Also, for the final part of this chapter I would probably suggest listening to the song mentioned (Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson if you want to get a youtube video loaded in time) not necessarily in conjunction because the structure of the story doesn't really give much time for the song to really play through, but it's a beautiful song and definitely worth a listen anyway.

**Disclaimer:** It's obvious, I'm not Stephanie, but I will continue to remind anyone that reads the disclaimer that I don't own Twilight, and it saddens me a little. But I will continue to manipulate it to my liking.

Chapter six

The cafe was quiet. Understandably so, though. The clock on the wall informed me that it was only seven thirty. No one in their right mind would be up just yet. Then I remembered that it was a school day and there was no way I was going to make it back in time to attend.

"I have school" I blurted out, feeling the worry creep up on me. I couldn't see Charlie happy about me skipping; it hardly looked good that the daughter of the chief of police wasn't going to be in school for no good reason.

Jasper gave me a smile of reassurance. "Alice already thought of that. The note she left Charlie told him that she had gotten your present early, and the vouchers she had brought you for the bookstore were going to run out soon so she requested to take you out today to use them. When he finds them he's going to ring her and voice his approval of your plans."

Despite Alice's typical cunning behaviour I was still surprised by her preparation beyond words. I merely nodded and looked up at the waitress that approached us.

Of course her eyes were stuck on Jasper. It reminded me of the first time Edward had taken me to dinner, the thought pierced through me, causing my joyous emotions to cease immediately and turn sour. I frowned visibly, not appreciating the fact that I was now left to contend with the hurt rather than ignore it.

I did my best to push it away once more, convincing myself that spending the day with Jasper was still a way of freeing myself from Edward. Deluding myself was clearly a hobby I had established since my move to Forks, though I had spent a fair amount of time before then repressing memories and it wasn't so much different.

Just like Edward, Jasper barely paid any heed to the waitress as she smiled down at him brightly. His eyes were stuck on me, looking at me with concern.

"Bella?"

I forced a smile at him to try and convince both of us that I was just fine. Deep down I knew I wasn't, but I wasn't on the verge of a breakdown so I thought I was doing alright.

* * *

I wasn't sure what was scarier-the fact that Bella's emotions had dropped off my radar, or the fact that she had just asked me to go faster. I knew for a fact that Bella feared driving with any member of our family more then she feared her old truck breaking down so the idea that I was already pushing the speed limit in my attempt to get her home as soon as possible and she was asking me to go fast, thoroughly perplexed me.

I was wary of going any amount faster but in no position to argue with her. I guess I felt I owed her to some extent though I'd never tell her I felt that way because it would just piss her off. I knew enough about Bella to know that she hated anyone feeling like they owed her anything, but it was just human nature. When someone did something for you, you instinctively wanted to do something to please them in return. If going faster was going to make her happy, faster I would go.

Her reaction was enough to put me at ease. I could feel the fear seeping into her and although it wasn't the greatest feeling to feel her emitting it was a relief nonetheless.

I figured the complete shutdown of her emotions was a subconscious defensive mechanism she had to just switch off. Either way she was forcing herself into feeling and I wasn't going to pretend that it didn't put my worry into the back of my mind in that aspect. I was worried about the fact that she wasn't wearing her seatbelt, even if I had enough confidence in myself that I wasn't going to crash I didn't think she should.

She had too much trust in me, especially now. I had never been close enough to a human to really experience their immediate feelings after a break up or separation or goodbye from the person they loved but I doubted any of them handled the situation like this, by throwing themselves into a car with a person they didn't really know so much about and ordering them to break speed limits.

This was out of character for her to an extent. She wasn't particularly reckless in this way but she was a lot more reckless than she thought. She was after all the same girl that had chased after a vampire tracker, ready to hand her life over; Hell! She had let herself fall in love with a vampire who openly admitted her blood smelt better to him than anyone's. Now she was throwing herself into a speeding vehicle with no seatbelt on and the window down. I was almost tempted to slam the brakes down to teach her a lesson but I knew I could never bring myself to do it.

Instead I asked her to put her seatbelt on. According to Bella it was an absurd idea, she merely grinned and outright told me, "No."

I was slightly baffled by her refusal but certainly impressed that she had the guts to disagree. There was something about her state of recklessness and lack of self preservation that was admirable. Despite that thought, I decided to try once more to get her to put her seatbelt on.

"Edward will kill me if something happens to you. He does still love you."

I wasn't sure how I thought that sentence was going to convince her to put her belt on but the way she was acting had to be an effect of her thinking Edward didn't love her anymore. If I could I would convince her that he did love her even if he was leaving. Surely Bella could understand the concept of really loving something (someone) and letting them go? She was a smart girl and in the end I knew she'd realise that what Edward had done really was for her.

Even I had accepted the fact though I was completely ready to damn Edward to hell for giving her no forewarning. Emmett hadn't particularly gone about letting Bella know the best way but at the least he had done something. I shuddered to think of how Edward would have informed Bella of his decision if Emmett hadn't taken action.

Bella laughed manically, the sound almost psychotic.

"Don't insult my intelligence Jasper. He doesn't love me" she yelled over the rushing wind, her exhilaration edging in on her voice; the result making her sound as if the prospect thrilled her. I knew better than that, she was still in denial.

I let up my efforts as we approached the turn off to her direction, slowing down to prepare for driving through the streets lined with houses. If she didn't want to put her seatbelt on, fine, we were going to be at her house soon anyway.

"NO!" Bella protested loudly, "Don't take me home, just keep going, keep driving, go faster."

I turned to look at her cautiously, wondering where her head was at, and why she would possibly want to be going anywhere with me. I couldn't figure it out, but it didn't matter, Bella was filled with joy, excitement, her blood coursing with adrenalin. She was pleased, with me it seemed, which made me realise that I was offering her a momentary escape from reality.

Well if that was the case then I was going to take her on the road to the most surreal escape I could give her. I took the opposite turn and pressed down on the accelerator harder, adding another fifty miles per hour to the speed dial.

Bella's excitement and joy climbed to match the speed as if she were tuned into the car and not a mere passenger. Her hair was flying around wildly as the wind made it dance along to the music that was playing.

Alice had left her iPod set up from the last time she'd been in here when we were heading into Port Angeles. I didn't change it, didn't bother turning it off, up or down. I just let it play. If Bella was going to choose to spend this time not thinking about Edward, I could spend this time marvelling over Alice. I would always love her, no matter what, but there was no escaping the fact that our relationship was just a convenience. She had led me here to leave me now, but I couldn't bring myself to believe that she didn't love me. I could feel it, it was real. She had done for me what Edward was doing for Bella in his own sick and twisted way.

Alice was letting me go to find the person she saw me with, and Edward was letting Bella go to find safety and security, someone who could love her the way he couldn't. One day, she would realise that.

* * *

After breakfast Jasper and I got back in the car. I hadn't eaten much of my food so much as I had moved it around on my plate until Jasper took the hint that I had entirely lost my appetite.

I didn't feel free anymore, I just felt empty. It wasn't the same empty void as before. Now all I felt was this gaping sadness.

As we drove down the highway headed back to Forks I ignored the music playing for the most part, trying not to focus on anything in particular so I could keep myself in check.

The wind coming through the window was calming now that we were traveling at a normal speed to avoid being pulled up.

My seat belt was on this time. I wasn't seeking excitement or fear, I just wanted an end. I wasn't sure what I particularly wanted to end though. My feelings were probably the place I'd start. Emotionless would have to feel better then hollow sadness. The hole in my chest from earlier was ripped open and I could feel the wind blowing right through me in the most painful but relaxing way.

All I could think about was Edward and the things he'd said to me, the way I'd reacted, the fact that I didn't try to stop him. In fact, if anything, I pushed him further away. I'd gone about it all wrong. I should have told him how much I loved him, and I needed him, but I didn't. I was horrified, angry, I'd yelled at him, told him I was tired of trying to keep up with him. No wonder he was leaving me, I had acted like a complete monster. I had pushed him away, sent him home, and spent most of the night with his brother.

I looked over at Jasper briefly, focused on the road, probably suffering from the emotions I was forcing onto him. I felt the need to apologize but my throat was non co-operative, and Jasper just would have argued with my apology anyway so I held my tongue.

The landscape around us began to fill with trees and foliage the further we drove, the fresh smell of rain greeting me. Everything about this area said home to me, damp, green, beautiful and cold, most importantly cold.

Jasper's cell phone began ringing not long after we became fully enshrouded in forestry. I wasn't paying much attention to his conversation until he held the phone out to me. I looked at it blankly for a moment, not registering that he was insinuating that Alice wanted to talk to me. I took the phone from his hand, avoiding accidental contact; there was no need to upset myself further by feeling the cool texture of his skin, Edward's skin.

I said a small hello, my voice sounding slightly rough and croaky from the dryness of holding back tears.

"Bella, I know you're upset, and the things I'm about to say might not make you feel better now, but they will help. Will you listen to me?" Alice asked me softly over the phone, her bell-like voice comforting me. "Edward forgives you, Bella. He knows you love him, and he never wanted to upset you."

I cut her off, "So why is he leaving?" My sadness seeped through me with more power, making me realize my loss in its entirety. I felt like I was going to fall apart any minute now.

"'I love you too much to let you stay in this situation' is just like saying I love you enough to let you go Bella, think about that, I know you'll understand when you figure it out. Your birthday books are on your dresser; Charlie is going to be late tonight."

The call ended before I had the chance to say anything more and I put Jasper's phone back on the console, considering her words. They sounded familiar but I couldn't place them, couldn't recall if they were from a book, movie or song.

I spent fifteen minutes trying to figure out the origin of her words; muttering them under my breath and trying to remember what words came afterwords.

"I love you enough to let you go, I love you enough to let you go, I love you enough..."

I repeated the line, over and over, wracking my brain for the answer, damning myself for being non responsive. Alice wouldn't have given me this puzzle to figure out if it wasn't important.

Finally the following words flowed through my head and I realized what Alice was getting at. I reached forward and grabbed her iPod instantly; rushing my actions to keep up with my thoughts as I searched through the tracks and found the song I was sure Alice wanted me to listen to. I adjusted the volume before I hit play and pulled my knees up against my chest, wrapping my arms around them.

The easily recognizable music began playing the sombre tune that seemed to fit my mood perfectly, the words beginning and my lips moving along with them as I remembered them. It didn't take long for me to realize why Alice wanted me to listen to this song; this was her way of explaining Edward's actions in a way that wouldn't hurt me as much.

By the first chorus I realized I hadn't been lip syncing at all, and I felt like I was singing the song that rightfully Edward should have been singing to me. It put everything into new found clarity because not only was a musical apology something so typically Edward when I thought about it, but it was so him to leave me for the better of myself, even if I couldn't understand it.

It was almost scary how much the lines seemed to add up with the relationship me and Edward had, like he'd written the song himself and asked someone else to sing it. God only knows he could have sold the song to producers in the hopes I'd hear it one day and understand, but I really hoped he hadn't planned this that far ahead.

Though the song was helping me understand Edward's motives it wasn't making me feel any better. The gash in my chest was aching as I found myself singing along to the tip off line; You know that I love you so; I love you enough to let you go. My voice broke before I could get the entire sentence out, my cheeks all of a sudden being soaked with an onslaught of tears I had been holding back since breakfast.

Crying helped in a way; it relaxed my nervous system, relieved the tension growing in my chest from holding it back. As each tear slid down my cheeks and pooled together to drip off my chin and land on my chest I felt as if they were somewhat healing the edges of my injury. The sadness I was releasing now was somewhat relieving the sadness I had been feeling on and off.

Despite it all I wished there was a way that Jasper wouldn't notice, but not only was he an empath that was very likely picking up on the overwhelming grief I was feeling but he could probably hear the shake in my voice as I kept singing to the rest of the song.

Why was I singing? I didn't know why, but I couldn't seem to bring myself to stop. It was as if singing this song was sort of letting it all go, understanding it and accepting it. But it wasn't, it didn't make me feel better. It just forced me to understand that this was something I couldn't hate Edward for, it was just something I was going to have to learn to accept.


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors note: I took the day off school and managed to get this chapter done and dusted, so here we go. Am I moving things too fast or would you like me to add flashbacks about what Bella's done in the past two months? Thank you to everyone that reviews favorites and adds to alerts, I've finally figured out how to reply to my reviews so if you have any questions or anything, Ill answer.  
**

**Disclaimer. I don't own Twilight. I own Illumination, a ghd I've stopped using, and a nifty cell phone to supply me with musical relief at school.**

Chapter seven

Weeks had passed since my birthday but not much had changed. I still felt empty. Edward's essence had consumed me and filled me up in the past we had spent together, but he had fled to Denali and left me void but for organs and blood veins.

The books Alice had left me were Journals, Edward's Journals to be exact and I had all but ignored them. I couldn't bring myself to move them, or hide them from view. They sat right where Alice had left them as a constant reminder.

I returned to somewhat of a routine, a boring one but a safe one. I tried to sleep, I ate, I went to school and I worked. I had been offered time off but refused every time Mrs Newton suggested it. I needed to keep myself busy.

The remaining Cullen's had made the choice to stay in Forks and it was suggested to the public that Edward had gone to New Hampshire on an early acceptance to Dartmouth. When people asked at school I told the closest to the truth, "Edward and I broke up because the distance between us was going to tear us apart." I was really referring to the metaphorical distance between us, but it didn't matter because only I knew that.

Alice made a point to keep me company at school. Though I sensed this was to keep everyone from bothering me I didn't doubt this was so she could keep me on the tracks. I didn't know where the tracks were going but anywhere was better.

Alice and I were sitting in the cafeteria on a typical dreary Thursday when she finally said something to me that wasn't projecting her concern for my wellbeing.

"Jasper and I are getting divorced."

I was silent for a moment. The words hung in front of my eyes, mocking me with the fact that I couldn't grasp the simple concept-had I missed a point that revealed things between them were less then brilliant?

"Divorced?"

The word felt so foreign to me though it was certainly no stranger, merely an occasional passerby that uprooted any amount of stability that my life offered me, not that I depended on Alice and Jasper's relationship stability but it did nothing to help my constantly bad mood.

Alice nodded her head when I brought my wide eyes to survey her face and check if she was kidding. She wasn't.

"I've known for a long time that Jasper is meant to be with someone else. I mean sure it hurts, I would love to be that person for him, and he that person for me but life doesn't work that way. I left him the night of your birthday, so that he could find the one he was meant to be with."

"Alice, I really hope this isn't another one of your sly explanations for your brother's actions. You and Jasper getting divorced isn't something you should be joking about" I replied, thinking I had caught her out. There was no way her and Jasper were getting divorced. Besides the coincidences she had offered in her explanation were a bit ironic.

Alice smiled softly at me, in this way that told me she wasn't kidding. "I'm not lying Bella, our divorce papers have been signed so to speak. Whether or not this was a sly explanation for Edward is up to your interpretation."

"Are you alright?" I questioned her, finding it the only thing I could conjure up.

Her smile brightened, "I'm perfectly fine, my main concerns are you and Edward. You are doing a lot better than I thought you would, but I think that's because Emmett bought you around home and let you find out yourself."

"What about... Edward?" It wasn't hard for me to say his name, but that didn't mean I wanted to. I avoided saying it if I could, and often avoided talking about him at all. Mostly I found that when I did finally talk about him after avoiding the subject it relaxed me, and gave me the hope that I'd be able to move past this.

"Edward hasn't spoken to any of us since he left, he's not entirely happy we made the choice to stay, but he understands. He even said it was probably a good idea that we stuck around and made sure you were alright."

I nodded my head perceptively but otherwise didn't offer an indication of my reaction. The fact that Edward still cared about me and it was no secret between Alice's constant reassurance and my unwillingness to doubt it made our separation a lot harder to deal with. I guess if there was only one way for this to end I would have asked for one more day, so that we could have ended this properly for us.

I had no qualms of our relationship being the sort that would withstand spending one last day together. Even with the fresh hurt feelings I would give anything to be able to tell him how I felt regardless for one last time, and to let him know that I understood. It wasn't a lie; I understood it no matter how much I didn't want to.

Edward leaving me for the better of myself was his way of giving me the opportunity to find someone to love me the ways he couldn't let himself.

Just like the way Alice had left Jasper, so he could find the person he was really meant to be with.

I believed love like that was surely the purest most gentle and affectionate gesture that could be offered to anyone. I just didn't know what I'd done to deserve it.

* * *

The more time that passed the less it hurt for me to think of Edward. By now thinking of him was just a little less pleasant then it used to be. The only thing that prevented it being so was the fact that it was marred with the color of loss. Two months later and I didn't feel my loss lessen. I wouldn't for a long time.

Alice and I spoke of him freely and I had even ventured into his room the last time I had visited the Cullen's.

Emmett was happy to see me and even Rosalie had been making more of an effort to be civil. She didn't welcome me with open arms but I expected nothing less. The effort she did put in to make me feel not so unwanted was appreciated. Emmett told me even she was pissed off with Edward for what he'd done, and not just because it had momentarily meant they were going to leave.

Esme and Carlisle treated me with the same regard they always had offering me pleasantries when I was around and asking me how I was. I answered all of their questions and asked about Edward just to really communicate that I was alright. The first time I asked Esme looked like she was about to burst into tears.

As for Jasper, I hadn't seen him since he'd dropped me off after our drive out of town. Alice swore he just happened to be out when she bought me over, but I had a nagging feeling that he was avoiding me.

I had probably made him uncomfortable, forced him to contend with my feelings and put up with my demands. I wouldn't be surprised if he was scared of me being possessed. I hadn't been acting entirely myself, well not follow Edward without a second thought me anyway. That night with Jasper had felt incredibly comfortable and completely right. I'd felt free of everything, time, Edward, grief, loss, anything with a negative connotation had escaped my reality as we sped through the night time streets. Jasper probably thought I'd gone crazy, deluding myself into happiness until the drive home when I openly started crying to the lyrics of a song.

Despite how right and natural everything had felt, in retrospective I was very embarrassed by some of my actions and avoiding him in my own way. I did my best to stay out of now only Alice's room because Jasper's study was next door, and if I knew he was home I suggested Alice and I do something else. Alice had even managed to get me to go on a few shopping trips with her. I didn't protest so much anymore.

I still didn't like her spending money on me, but I didn't mind the shopping. I guess I'd changed in that aspect. Mostly I hadn't liked shopping with Alice because it was time away from Edward, that and if Edward had wanted a girl that was into clothes that much, he could have just had Lauren or Jessica. I avoided shopping in my pursuits to assure myself I was what he actually wanted. Now that he wasn't here for me to live up to his unspoken expectations I did as I pleased. I didn't feel obliged to be the same girl that had moved to Forks. I felt like I was allowed to grow and change, and now inside me and outside me didn't add up.

I had been contemplating this idea for awhile now, but didn't want to say anything to Alice until I was completely sure. The idea of having a drastic appearance change, i.e a makeover, was information I couldn't divulge to Alice until I was absolutely certain because she would be halfway to a mall before I was finished. I had to keep myself indecisive so she didn't have a vision about it, and honestly, it was hard. The idea was very appealing to me.

I felt like it was a need, a need to reinvent myself so I matched up on all fronts, inside and out, personality and appearance.

I had just seen Charlie off for a fishing trip when Alice bounced up to my front door.

"Good morning Bella, would you like to tell me why I keep having visions about you going to tell me something but then walking away? Can you please make up your mind because it is killing me not knowing what you maybe but maybe don't want to tell me."

I hadn't thought of the possibility of my forced indecision intruding on her visions. Truth be told I'd been solely focussed on not letting myself make the decision even though I kind of really wanted to do it. I just didn't want to regret it later. I wanted to be in control of this and I was scared that if I told Alice she'd be so excited and enthused and offering suggestions that I wouldn't have the heart to turn her down. One thing that would never change about me was the fact that I couldn't ever bring myself to say no to her if I knew it was going to upset her visibly.

"Well, I've been thinking..." I started uncertainly, trailing off as I try to decide if I was ready to tell Alice about this or not. But I'd started now, and I could barely stop just to save myself. Alice was eager and excited, and maybe that could rub off on me if I finally let her in on plan. "I've been thinking about having a... makeover, you know fix myself up, match how I feel with how I look, you know?"

Alice clapped her hands in excitement, "Bella that's a brilliant idea! That means I get to take you shopping right?"

I nodded my head slightly, "Yes, I suppose it does, but you're not spending any money on me. I've been saving up for this for awhile. All the extra work I've had has given me some extra stuff, and I figured I deserved this, my college fund will be fine."

Alice smiled gleefully, "Oh Bella! This is the best birthday present ever."

My eyebrow quirked at her comment, "It's your birthday?"

Alice shook her head, "No, silly it's just a figure of speech that seemed highly appropriate, but this will suffice for the fact that I haven't had a birthday since... who knows."

I nodded my head in understanding. "I don't want this to be a huge deal, I don't think, it's going to be bad enough with everyone at school staring at me afterwards."

Alice linked her arm through mine and pulled me through the house, closing the front door behind her. "I know Bella, you are one hundred percent in charge of what goes on, but I can still suggest stuff right? And you won't mind if Rose comes do you? I think she'd enjoy this."

Rosalie. I hadn't considered inviting Rosalie along, but I was sure that this was perhaps a good way to silently tell her I was thankful for her efforts as of late. I just hoped that it wouldn't be too awkward for either of us. Rosalie and I weren't friends and she had never made any inclinations that she wished we were, though I was always willing to accept her into my life in a friendlier manner, and I'm sure she knew that. Edward had always assured me that Rosalie didn't like me because I was human, and I could posses what she couldn't. If that were the case I couldn't see things changing, but I was willing to give her every opportunity to get over the idea. I didn't even want children, and at this point I definitely wasn't thinking about getting into a relationship, let alone married. The things Rosalie wanted had never been on my list of desires.

"I don't mind if Rosalie comes, I'm sure it gets boring hanging out at home all the time pretending you're at college" I responded, giving Alice a small smile of reassurance that I meant it.

Not a lot had been said about the lack of presence in town concerning Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper, but when asked the cover story was that they were all taking classes in Seattle. It was close enough that if any of them ever wanted to go out and do something, their appearance wouldn't be entirely suspect.

"Rose will be so thrilled, I'll ring her and have her bring her car around and then we can head to Port Angeles, or would you prefer Seattle?"

I considered this for a moment. I didn't want to run into anyone during my transition from old Bella to new Bella because I didn't want to change my mind at the last minute and waste everyone's time. Seattle it was.

This news only made Alice happier, "Maybe we should make this trip an overnight trip? There are a lot more stores in Seattle than Port Angeles and I'd like to make the most of you being willing."

I let her plan what she wanted if it was going to make her happy. I owed her that much for her putting up with my mood swings and depressive states the last few months. If letting her plan this trip was the least I could do I would gladly step back and keep any protests I had to myself. Besides, I figured, a night away from here, with Alice and Rosalie would do me good. I also hoped that if Alice got her way with the trip, I would get for the most part, my way, with myself.


	8. Chapter 8

**Authors note**: I'm very sorry that this chapter took so long. I have been adjusting to the idea of having a beta (who is marvelous by the way) and reworking my chapters instead of posting them straight off. Two months stretches between updates are not going to become a regular thing if I can avoid it. Thank you to everyone who has had the patience with this story and continues to read. I will do my best to reply to any and all reviews so if you have any questions feel free to ask.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Twilight but apart from the circumstances of how my plot came into play I own the rest (of the plot)

Chapter eight

While Alice proceeded to call Rosalie and invite her along I excused myself to shower. The time alone before a weekend spent with, undoubtedly, two of the most beautiful women I'd ever laid eyes on, normally would have done nothing for me, but the realization that I was actually going to do this had filled me with a certain amount of excitement and determination. I recognized it as normal.

Any normal teenage girl would be thrilled with the prospect of a weekend of shopping and reinvention, and for once, I was the same. This weekend I was going to relax and enjoy my time with Alice. I was going to spend this weekend being as normal as I could manage, a normality that had escaped me when I'd become the minder of my harebrained over enthusiastic mother, Renee.

Things hadn't changed when I became Charlie's housemate either. I knew I brought the responsibilities upon myself, because the two parents I had were capable of looking after themselves, to a minimum, but that minimum wasn't something I considered a suitable standard, so I took over. Something had to be done in the way of housework, every day things, and if neither of them would do it, I would. No wonder along the way I had lost myself.

It wasn't necessarily that I didn't care what I looked like; I just didn't care what other people thought of how I looked. I looked after myself to a reasonable point, but I didn't try to enhance my features or show off or anything. I cared enough to do my best to try stay out of harm's way, despite the vampires and all that business, and I ate as well as I could. I brushed my teeth, I moisturized, I showered daily, I cut my hair when it needed to be cut and I knew the colors I shouldn't wear. I looked after myself. I wasn't in to torturing myself in the name of beauty, or as Alice would call it, pampering, ha.

Alice's and my perceptions of beauty weren't too far off identical, but I didn't believe in suffering for it and this little makeover wasn't going to change that. All this makeover was going to change was how I felt about myself. If I took a little time for myself I knew I'd feel better for it. It was like going to a spa or something. You left feeling better, ultimately because you had taken the time out of your day to do something for yourself. That's what this was all about really.

Not just tidying myself up, or attempting to put a little bit of effort into my clothing choices, but just taking the time out of my life to do something for me, not cook dinner for Charlie, or give a full detailed essay about the past couple of weeks of my life for Renee, or go shopping because Alice had no one to go with, in the most unselfish way possible, this was about me.

As I approached the living room in the gray jeans and white tunic sweater Alice had laid out on my bed I considered how troublesome it would be to let Alice pick out some of my clothes. She knew what she was doing when she didn't get over enthusiastic and carried away. The thing was whether she could handle picking out clothes without getting over enthusiastic and carried away.

"Wow, I was beginning to think you were never going to come out" Alice exclaimed, slipping her cellphone into the pocket of her jeans.

"Sorry, I was just fixing my hair" I explained, eying up the duffel bag that was sitting innocently by the couch.

"I took the liberty of packing you a bag of things you'll need for the night. Rose is going to be here in a few minutes and she promised to be on her best behaviour."

I nodded and removed my eyes from the bag thinking about what it was going to be like to spend so much isolated time with Rosalie. Though we had never seen eye to eye that wasn't because I disliked her, and I don't think she even really disliked me when it came down to it. Rosalie's hatred for me stemmed from jealousy, according to Edward, she was jealous of me, because I was human.

Alice had always suggested that she saw me becoming one of them and I wondered if this was what truly bothered Rosalie-the possibility that one day I could have been a part of her family and I would have given up my humanity for it. I could understand her motive then, if that were the case, but now even though Edward had never been agreeable, there was no possible reason for her to worry about that. It wasn't even worth considering that the future hadn't changed as far as that idea was concerned and I was curious as to (if that had been Rosalie's self justification for her apparent dislike of me) whether or not the circumstances now would change things between us.

"Have you eaten?" Alice queried, "The drive is going to be longer than any old trip to Port Angeles" she reminded me.

"I had breakfast with Charlie."

"Speaking of Charlie" Alice began, "I caught him at the station before he headed out to the reservation and told him about our plans, he said he's glad you're doing something fun and if you need anything you can call him" she informed me.

I nodded my head in acknowledgment. Of course Charlie would stop in at the station on a Saturday. No matter how little trouble there was for him to deal with in this small town he took his job seriously. He had been nothing but supportive of the way I'd handled the break up with Edward. Considering he had never shown a particular liking of my dating in the first place I knew he was glad I was coping as well as I was. The fact that I was going out and maintaining a social life and friendship with Alice despite what had gone on with Edward only acted as further reassurance for him that I was alright. I didn't want him to worry about me because I really was okay.

In a week it would have been three months since my birthday and I could honestly say I was fine, maybe even better for it. I wasn't grateful it had happened, but I felt stronger for it. I was so far in with Edward that managing to come out with my mind, soul, and heart all intact was something I was surprised that I had managed. I attributed it to the drive I'd shared with Jasper to and from Forks. It had allowed me to think, to seethe, to doubt and get all of it out of the way. If I had gone straight home I would have been much worse off.

In an irrelevant sort of way the drive and the circumstances I found myself under had been empowering, and hopefully this weekend would be the same. This was what I considered to be my last step to becoming my own person again, living to please myself. Any clothes I picked out, any way I decided to do my hair, was all for my own approval. I knew I wasn't going to care much more about it all than I did now, but for the time being that was the least of my worries. As long as what I did pleased me I didn't mind. If what I did appealed to others I supposed that was just a bonus.

My main concern right now was surviving this weekend and first and foremost the car ride with Rosalie.

Rosalie being the family's car fanatic pulled up in front of my house with a loud screech of her tires in her obnoxiously bright red convertible.

Alice squealed happily and clasped her hands together before reaching down to pick up my bag and slip her arm around my elbow.

"Come on Bella, I don't want to waste any more time" Alice gushed, pulling me towards the door eagerly.

"I can walk" I protested lightly as she continued to drag me, quickly closing the door behind her after hearing the lock click.

She didn't let go of my elbow.

"I almost don't trust you. The idea that you're willingly going shopping with Rosalie and I is just too good to be true. Can you blame me for wanting to keep a hold of you so you can't change your mind and escape?"

"I'm not going to change my mind" I tried to assure her to no avail.

She all but swung the car door open and pushed me in. She was so determined there was no way I was not going to go along with this.

Just as she was about to put my seat belt on for me, Rosalie spoke up.

"My god Alice, leave the poor girl alone, she isn't going anywhere."

Alice let up, her face falling slightly as her lips pouted, "Well, I'm sorry I'm the only one who can't believe Bella actually wants to go shopping, she's never showed an interest in the clothes she wore before."

Rosalie shook her head, "You're the psychic, if she decides to jump out of a speeding car, I'm sure you'll see it first."

Alice swung my door shut and climbed into the passenger seat after she put my overnight bag in the trunk.

Rosalie was already heading for the highway when she addressed me, "So what's the plan?"

Her question was as simple as they came but the fact that she was actually asking me meant something. Alice hadn't prompted her, Rosalie was purposely going out of her way to let me know she understood the purpose of this weekend trip and wasn't intending to ignore me. I couldn't help the small amount of joy that clouded my mind as I recognized her making the effort to be at least civil towards me.

"I need a haircut" I replied, saying the first thing that really sprung to mind when it came to the subject. My hair wasn't the forefront of the 'makeover' but I surmised it was just as valid as the rest of it.

Rosalie nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment while Alice seemed thrilled with the prospect.

"What were you thinking, Bella?"

I shifted around in my seat and tried to make myself more comfortable. The seats in Rosalie's car were cream leather, slippery; all I succeeded in was sliding around a bit before accepting defeat and resuming basically the same position.

I sighed. Honestly, I had no idea, about any of it really, just something different; I told them so.

Alice turned around in her seat to consider my hair for a moment.

"Your hair looks very lovely when it's curled, would you consider letting me give you my hot curlers? They don't really work on my hair" she commented, brushing the ends of it with her hand, insinuating it was too short.

I almost laughed at her, she had to know giving them to me would be a waste of time, and I would never use them.

"Alice, you know I'd never bother putting them in, especially before school."

Just the idea of having to get up earlier to put in curlers made me want to roll my eyes. I didn't hang on to every last second of sleep I could get, but I wasn't about to sacrifice the comfort of my bed to get up and put my hair in curlers.

Alice did roll her eyes, at me, "Jesus Bella, you know I'm more than willing to come over in the morning and put them in for you, it would take me less than five minutes and they'd be ready before you had to leave, no hassle on your part."

Rosalie snorted, "I don't think everyone can deal with your perkiness in the morning."

Alice huffed and crossed her arms. "There are a lot of other ways to go about it, sleeping in curlers, putting a couple of French braids in your hair, or just normal ones before you go to bed. I suppose your hair naturally goes kind of wavy anyway" she amended.

I offered Alice a small smile, "Curly hair is nice, but can't we just save it for when you manage to trick me into another prom or something?"

Alice grinned, "I'm holding you to that Bella."

I tried not to worry about what I may have just gotten myself into.

"What about clothes? Do you want a new look, or just new clothes" Alice went on, picking the conversation back up. "Your look is very simple and casual, but still cute when you don't come to school wearing one of Charlie's flannel shirts."

The fact that I even had a "look" was news to me but Alice was the fashionista so I wasn't about to question her.

"We could get you a nicer pair of boots too, rather than those hiking ones you insist on."

I looked down at my boots. They were one of the first purchases Renee and I had made when I began compiling my winter wardrobe for the move. They may not be the greatest looking things, but they were very warm and waterproof. I had gotten them because they were practical. They had grown on me throughout the procession of my time in Forks. They were well worn in, I never had to complain about wet socks, and they had good grip which was especially beneficially for me.

I suggested a compromise, "If you can find a pair of boots that you like that have all the practical benefits of the boots I own I will buy them and wear them alternately."

"Fine," Alice agreed, looking ready for the challenge, "I can do that."

"As thrilling as talking about Bella's boots is, I'd like to know if were heading straight to a mall or the house" Rosalie interjected once she found an opening in the conversation.

Alice looked back at me, "It's up to Bella, it's her makeover."

It was obvious Alice was playing the mediator between us; the conversation in the car was driven by her with Rosalie and me speaking at alternating opportunities when addressed and sending our responses to one another through her.

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't mind, whichever you prefer."

"We should probably go to the house then so we can take the bags out of the car, we're going to need the room in the trunk" Rose decided. "Alice hasn't been shopping in almost a month."

I laughed at Rosalie's small joke and leant back in my seat. We were now speeding down the highway enshrouded in forestry and gray sky. We had to be driving around the Olympic National Park. The last time I remembered driving the distance between Forks and Seattle was with Charlie when I first arrived. From Forks you headed in the same direction out of town you would do if you were going to Port Angeles, the only difference being you eventually took a right turn that took you to Seattle instead. It was around a two and a half hour drive, but with the speed Rosalie, and all of the Cullen's were inclined to, I didn't think it would take much longer before we arrived.

The rest of the drive was mainly uneventful. At the mention that Alice hadn't been shopping in what must be a record time for her she began verbalizing her thoughts on things she might need to pick up and suggesting Rosalie and I did the same because the shopping in Seattle was better than that in Port Angeles and it could be awhile before we came back.

"Then again" Alice added as an afterthought, "Now that we have the house in Seattle, taking a few weekend trips there wouldn't be unpractical."

Between the two of them this elusive house had been mentioned a few times and my curiosity finally had the chance to be spiked.

"You have a house in Seattle?"

Alice once again turned in her seat.

"Carlisle and Esme thought it would be a good idea to purchase one seeing as Rose, Emmett and Jasper are all going to university in Seattle, just in case someone looked into it. Normally we wouldn't have considered it but our visits are usually very different to this one. For example, we don't usually make friends."

"Plus," Rosalie went on, "sometimes having another place to go is good, what with the enhanced hearing and all."

"Makes sense" I muttered, my cheeks heating up at what she was insinuating. I had never considered _that _but it had to be a bit uncomfortable at times. I couldn't imagine having to stay awake all the time and being able to hear everything would ever grow to be normal.

We were driving through Seattle by the time it hit midday. Rosalie had been cruising through downtown streets when she came to an abrupt stop. She put the car into park, put the hand brake, down and turned off the engine.

"Right Bella, we'll bring the stuff inside and then I can show you your room for the night" Alice informed me, opening my door.

I unbuckled my seat belt and stepped out on the pavement, walking around to the back of the car as Rosalie popped the trunk. Alice reached in and grabbed my bag to pass it to me while she picked up hers and Rose's, while Rosalie slammed the trunk closed and set the alarm.

Rosalie led our procession and unlocked the front door to the townhouse we were standing outside of and let us in. As far as I managed to understand this was the nightlife and art district of Seattle, and the interior design of the place definitely portrayed that. Everything was in a very modern design and painted in bold solid colors. The living room had one brick wall that definitely added to the artist's studio feel you would expect of the area and a granite colored marble encased fireplace with large glass windows that looked out into the city. The kitchen and dining room were hardly what you would call spacious but made up for that with the lavish and elaborate design (well that and the fact that those features of the house served nothing but a preface of normality as far as the Cullen's were concerned.)

The townhouse was a two story, but for now Alice and I by bypassed the stairs. Instead she led me down a narrow hallway to a privately situated bedroom, which I noticed, had its own bathroom, something I had taken for granted before I moved to Forks.

"Rosalie and Emmett's room is upstairs, so you don't need to worry, the only person that has been in here is Jasper" Alice explained to me. "He's been setting the place up lately which is why he hasn't been home much."

Despite this new information, it didn't detract from my suspicions that he was avoiding me, but I decided to let it slip for now.

"Everything you'll need is in the bathroom already, but I brought your shampoo and tooth brush just in case you wanted them instead" she carried on.

I nodded mutely and surveyed the room. The bed was placed with the head against the wall, painted gray, set in a base of soft dark brown leather with a gray red and black color schemed bed set. The wall across from the door was painted a rich brown with matching curtains and a wide window that also offered a view of the city and the carpet was marshmallow soft with a pattern across it in a beige color that fit the rest of the color scheme.

As it was, the room seemed very impersonal until you focused on the two bookcases on either side of the bed crammed full of books, CD's, photographs and a stereo, that added more of a homey element. I placed my bag by the foot of the bed and examined the bookcase on the right closer.

The photos were what mainly had my attention, though I disguised this from Alice, there was no need to give her any unreasonable ideas about me still being hung up on Edward.

There were three photos on the bookcase. One of all the Cullen's that looked as if it had been taken recently had my curiosity at full attention. Alice's hair was still in its pixie cut, and Esme's hair looked slightly shorter than it was now. Emmett had a big goofy grin on his face and had his arms wrapped around Rosalie who also wore a happy smile. Carlisle was standing slightly behind Esme with one hand resting on her hip, interlocked with her hand and the other on her shoulder, both looking very content. Alice and Jasper were standing next to each other, Alice slightly in front looking excited and almost as if she were laughing through her smile. Edward stood next to Jasper, looking as happy as the rest of them. Jasper was smiling fondly, probably soaking up everyone's happy feelings.

Everyone looked so peaceful, it was a lovely photo. They were a real family even if they weren't really related. This photo alone showed how much they cared for one another. They all fit so well together. Their smiling faces put me at ease and as I looked at Jasper's small smile I realized I was a lot more comfortable in this room than I thought I could be.

As my eyes swept over the rest of the bookcase to find something else to comment on I took in the amount of books.

"There are a lot of books" I said, hiding what I had really been looking at.

I turned around to look at Alice, who smiled softly and nodded her head, "Jasper likes to read, not as much as Edward, but most of Jasper's books are history related."

"History is interesting" I remarked quietly, almost as if I was trying to justify Jasper's reading choices.

Alice grinned, "Yeah, I think Jasper likes reading about when he was still human. It's a nice thing to be reminded of."

I nodded my head silently in agreement. I could only imagine what it would be like to read a book from years ago stating factual history and knowing you'd been alive then. It had to be surreal.

"Right, did you want to change or anything, or can we get this show on the road?" Alice prompted me, nudging me softly in the side.

"Let's go" I encouraged, "I'm ready."


End file.
